Well, recently I've been feeling quite lonely. There's been a ridiculous amount of drama (which I might write about later) and alot of heartache. Just a little bit ago, I actually kind of snapped. For some reason, when I get angry, I tend to do stupid things without thinking. This time, I anwsered an add online! It was for a romantic thing (nothing sexual, thank God). Now normally, this wouldn't really bother me. However, the only reason for my conflicting emotions is because the website asked me if I was 18 or older, and I anwsered yes. I am not. I'm only 16. But...the gal I anwsered the add for is not much older than myself. So I'm unsure if it was a bad thing to do or not. I'm aware that most websites (especially when it comes to dating ones) want one to be of a legal age, but I repeat- this is NOT a sexual add. Just friendship and possible dating.
So...yeah. Stupid, but I can't take it back now. I was just wondering if it was wrong of me to go and do it in the first place, and if she anwsers me, if I should just go ahead and tell her the truth about my age and see what she says, or just ignore anything I might recieve from her.

(PS! I'm aware of internet safety and the like. This was just an unfortunate and spontanious lapse in judgement!)

Thanks!
~Violet~

I recently stumbled upon a video about the September suicides of 2010 while browsing through Youtube. I have to say that by the end of it, I was crying and goosebumps were covering my skin. Despite the fact that the singing itself was not exactly my 'style', there is such emotion behind it, and such a powerful meaning. It immediately became one of my favorites.



I really hope that it touches you as much as it has me.

Well, if anyone remembers, I said in an earlier post that I finally worked up the nerve to tell a friend about how much I like her. Well, she finally responded. Unfortunately for me, she doesn't feel the same way. (Not that I was expecting her to, but a girl can always hope!) The  good news though, is that, so far, she really hasn't treated me any differently when we see one another, and she didn't make any homophobic remarks while letting me down. The bad news... those little details just make me like her even more! Dang.
Well, thanks for reading. :)
~Violet~

Well, I finally did it. I told her I love her. I'm ashamed to say that I was too much of a coward to tell her face to face, so I sent her a message via Facebook. She hasn't replyed to me yet. I'm terrified of what she will say. I know that it must come as a shock; I havn't openly come out yet, and yet I want so desperately for her to accept me and I'm wishing for the impossible. 

So please! Wish me luck and pray for me if you will. Thank you.
~Violet 

Well, first of all, I would like to apologize for not updating lately. Things have been very busy lately! I want to thank all those who have given me their support and who have been reading and commenting on my posts. You have really helped me!
Next, I'd like to tell of my situation now in life. Now, I'm confident in my sexuality (heck, I even know what 'Types' I'm physically attracted to!), but have yet to come out of the closet. However, I'm hoping that will change soon. A relitive of mine is coming soon, and I am planning on telling her about it. Ever since I was little she has told me that it's alright to be who I am, whoever that may be. She is more open minded than alot of people I know. And, of all things, she is my grandmother! I love irony. So I will definantly let everyone know how that goes.
Thanks again to everybody here at amplify! 
 

Well, today I headed over to a (male) friend's house to hang out for a while. And he told me that he liked me. I was a bit excited, but not TOO muchly so. Later we were talking and for some reason I asked him about what he thought of Gay Rights. He told me he thought it was wrong and sick. He said it was against God and the bible said not to and that it disgusted him. He said it was the same with lesbians. He said that God put people on earth to procreate and that gay and lesbians were bad. Then I asked him what he thought of Bisexuals. (I am bi, but in the closet) He said that he thought that they were confused. That no one could just wake up one morning and like women, then the next day like men. He said they were just trying to get attention. After bashing them, he then got this funny look on his face and said "You're not bi, are you?" i laughed (fakely) and said "What would you do if I was?" as if it were somejoke. He continued to pester me about it, and i just laughed it off and avoided the question. Niw i feel like such a coward.... Later on his brother was asked the same thing. He immediatly responded that lesbians were fine, but if he ever say a gay guy he would pull out his knife and cut the man's throat!! I must have looked shocked or scared (Because i was!!) so he said quickly that that was only if the man tried to make a move on him. Needless to say i was kind of cold and withdrawn the rest of the night. Later on the first boy was asking me something, and i was trying my beset to smooth things over, so I responded jokingly that i only liked girls. He once again got this really nasty, odd look on his face. He said in a low voice "Well, i'll just have to change that. I disapprove." (something along those lines.) I responded "You're NOT my father." it came out EXTREMELY cold sounding, and to be honest, I was both shocked and proud of myself. Shocked, because im usually very calm and good at hiding when im upset or angry, and even at that, i almost never get angry. And proud because, even though it was indirectly, I stood up for both myself and something i believe in! Later, when I left and went home i mentioned it to my mom, and asked her what she thought of Gay Rights. She said that she thought it was wrong and that she didn't understand gay people. She said she thought they shouldnt be allowed to get married because it is against God and the bible condems it. She said a few more things on the matter, but i was finding it hard to concentrate on them; I was too busy trying to hide my tears. For some reason, that just hit me SO hard, my own mother condeming me! I had to make up some lame excuse that my contacts were bothering me and that was why my eyes were tearing up. I feel so crushed right now. I one night, both my friends and my mother (who i am closer to than anyone else in this world) have told me that who I am...is sick, wrong, against the bible and God (I'm a very devoted Chrisian), and disgusting. So now....I just don't know what to do.

I am a Christian. I want to believe with all my heart that God and Jesus won't judge me becaus eof my sexuality. But...so many people say and think otherwise. And now I'm starting to wonder as well...I sometimes am on the verge of tears because of it! Please...tell me what you think. Does God hate me because I like both girls and boys?

So recently, I had a get together with a bunch of friends. At the last minute, I decided to invite my crush. She said she would come! Needless to say, I was happy. So we were all together, but my crush, Jamie, hadn't shown up yet. I was a little bit upset, honestly. But a while into the party, she showed up. She walked in and took my breath away. Jamie loooked beautiful. So we hung out together for a while. Honestly, things were a little akward at first. Then, for some reason or another, we had to get something from a storage space. She and I and another friend headed over to it. Inside there was a pile of those giant exercise balls. After a moment, Jamie looked over at the balls and said "Right now, I really just wanna jump right into those." I laughed because that was what I was thinking. "Then let's do it." I said. My friend jumped into the pile, then I did, then after a minute so did Jamie. We stayed there and just talked for a while. Then I suggested we go explore the building we were having the party in. We got everybody together and headed down to the basement. Somehow, we ended up playing hide and go seek in the dark. Now, to be honest, I am afraid of the dark. Just before the lights went out, Jamie said to me "I'm kind of scared of the dark." I suggested we hide together, and she said yes.
When the lights were out and we were looking for a place to hide, for some reason, I slipped my hand into hers. I don't know why I did it, but I did. And the best part was, she didn't pull away. We enertwined our fingers and it seemed so natural and perfect. Now, I have held hands with guys before, but this was so....different. Better. Sweeter. It  was only for the briefest of seconds, but it was perfect aand enough for now. ( Kind of ironic, that now I am so longing to hold her hand again) So after she let go, we continued to look for a place to hide. We found our way into a closet. (Once again, ironic.) While we in there, it was pitch black. Mostly we were quiet. I tried to make some small talk, but she wasn't really responding. After a little while, I mentioned that it was a little scary because it was so dark. She surpriseed me though, by saying that she didn't mind, anmd that it was a good place to think. In an almost inaudible whisper, I asked her what she was thinking about. She didn't anwser, so it was silent fo ra long while. The whole time I was silently asking her to anwser. And finally, she did. She said "You know Jacob?" I told her I did. Jacob is actually the first and only person I have some out to. She said she was just thinking about some things he had said. I asked her if something he had said was bothering her. She told me it was because he had lied to her and she was now wondering if he had lied to her about anything else. I said "I guess there is never really any way to tell." As soon as I said it, I was mentally kicking myself becuase it was not what I had meant to say. The way she said it though...it made me uncomfortable. And I started wondering if maybe Jacob had told her about my crush on her. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I asked her how she knew he was lying and she told me it was because he had told her so. And once again, I felt that little bit of discomfort. In a way, I allmost wish that he HAD told her. I want to know if she would accept me. And to be honest, I'm hoping beyond all hopes that she might even be like me. That she may like me in a way more than friendship. But I know how unlikely that is. So soon after that, we were found. For some reason we decided to hide again. Once again we decided to hide together. We were found, and somehow ended up both being It. After we had found everyone, we all decided to go explore the rest of the church.
I remembered that Jamie had asked earlier about a piano. I took her to the piano that happened to be in the building, and she began to play. Now, piano playing has always been a HUGE turn on for me. I don't really know why. Watching her play, I found myself even more deeply liking her. She looked so beautiful! There are SO many things aobut her that, by my book, make her perfect for me. (She likes pickles, my favorite snack, too, and it seems not too many people do! Lol.)
So I have always been more attracted to a person's personality than to their appearance, an d Jamie has EVERYTHING that I look for and am attracted to. She is musical, kind, artistic, confident, intelligent, has a great personality, is very individual, along with a ton of other traits. Not to mention (though I already have) she is absolutely beautiful in every way! Isn't it ironic that when I finally find the person that is totally right for me...she is a girl. And a girl that, so far, hasn't shown to be anything other than straight. 
But this post is already a very long one, I guess. So that's it for tonight. Thanks for reading! (And i will post something about my coming out to Jacob if anyone wants me to) Thanks again!! :) 

     Thank you very much for your feedback. After reading what you have said, it really made me rethink my position. I have been thinking about it constantly and have noticed SO many homophobic comments. To be honest, it is almost scary how many there are!! So now i am thinking that I may actually hold up on coming out, no matter how much I want to be honest with people about my sexuality. I suppose now I just have to wait until I become more confident with myself. Thank you again, and I wil keep you updated on any news I have!

Alright. So I think I am ready to come out. I just need some advice on how to go about it. I live in a stable enough family, with both my parents and 4 younger siblings. I have already been through all the general things in my mind and I know that (even though they won't be very happy) my parents arn't going to kick me out of the house or anything like that. I am 14 years old, in ninth grade. I have only come out to one of my friends, and that was over text message. I'm pretty sure I can't handle it that same way with my family, though it may work with the rest of my friends. LOL. Anyways. So anyone have any suggestions? Should I pull them into another room? Should I just mention it at the dinner table? I'm kind of confused... so any comments would be appreciated!! :D thank you very much.