shutters shut

eyes watching

feelings prowling

memories crowding

standing in the cheering mass

who turned off the sound

band begins to play

see them play

pluck at bass

scream their dumb lyrics into the night.

watching them 

without feeling

with out sounds.

just there

next to you.

just there

watching you.

just there

wanting you.

blink.

you're not there.

you say polar

i say bear.

cut

cried

waited 

washed

if my  brains was off

i would be sloth

have to hide from memory

have to sink into the melody

hated music

hated sound

at least it's out of body

so loud

it's almost like watching

the blood 

drip off 

my arms.

gun to head.

on the floor

dead.

i flew away

wake up

woke up

another day.

pills in

blue or red?

time to choose.

smile.

swallow.

hoping there won't be tomorrow.

close eyes.

stop breathing

almost as harder

then keeping heart beating

wake up

woke up

another day. 

hiding. 

knife to wrists.

painful tips

shoelace trips.

scars on my knees.

have to stay young.

wake up

woke up

someone

threw up

dripping body

dripping clothes

tangled sheets

tangled hair

look at my life line.

so many little lines...

the don't spell life.

they spell my name.

kindergarten.

1st grade.

living the life

so unafraid. 

come in doctor

come in meds

something breaking

strapped in bed.

song of beeps 

and of alarms

or smells and sights.

all to do 

waiting for you?

is wait and see

still hiding from my memory.