millekd
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The other night I was at an event in Cincinnati called Guerrilla Queer Bar where the Queer people in the Cincinnati area all go to the same typcially straight bar and hang out, have a good time, but most importantly educate others.
My friend who I was with decided that she needed to use the restroom. I usually avoid them as much as possible because I don't really fit into the binary bathroom labels of male and female, but I escorted her to the bathroom and proceeded to wait outside. While I was standing there four men exited the men's restroom. Three of the men were clearly gay, and one of them was clearly straight. When they exited the restroom there seemed to be a small argument happening. The three gay men quickly left the area and the straight man stayed back by the restroom. He hit my shoulder and said "you know, I'm cool with it and all but sometimes you know they just get too close and I'm thinking if they get any closer I'm going to have to punch them or something"
Right then I realized that he had read me as being a straight (biological) guy. He continued talking and I zoned out because all I could think about was 'if he finds out that I am not biologically male then I am getting beaten up or worse'. When I zoned back in he said "you know" and did that thing where you hit the persons chest with the back of your hand. The only thought going through my head was, 'please do not let him feel my chest', I mean I was wearing a binder to hide my chest but still there is still a clear squishiness there if you press hard enough. Luckily he didn't notice and left soon after but for a few minutes I was so scared and I couldn't talk out of fear that my voice would give me away. Instead I just had to stand there listen to his homophobic talk and more or less agree with him by grunting.
I feel so bad though, in some ways I feel that I should have said something but in others I feel that I would have been to risky for me to do...i just don't know. I'm so frustrated right now with the whole situation, I'm tired of letting fear cripple me from speaking out but at the same time I can't help anyone if my face beaten in. I feel like I am making the problem worse by being silent but the silence is what keeps me safe.
Is it possible to ensure our safety while combatting ignorance? What would you have done in my situation?
I had 2 gut reactions to your post.
1. Your safety is the number one most important thing. You do what you gotta do to protect yourself. In your post, you said that you felt it would have been risky for you to say something, that you were afraid you might even be beaten up or worse. As you said, "The silence is what keeps me safe." Yeah, it doesn't feel great to be silent, and we wish it were always safe to say something. But it's just not. Being safe is the priority. Protecting your safety is the right thing to do.
2. You also said, "I feel like I am making the problem worse by being silent." I know that feeling. But I also want to recognize how courageous your post is. You aren't staying silent. You are using your voice where you know it is safe. That takes a crazy amount of courage. You're actively thinking about the effects of silence and you're starting a dialogue. And that's not silent at all.
Also, it makes me angry when straight men say things like "If he gets any closer I'll have to punch him." Would he say the same if there was a woman getting close to him that he wasn't interested in? I don't think so. Why the violence, then?
In addition, don't consider yourself just a bystander to this situation. You were also a victim. Not only were you perceived incorrectly in a male-normative, binary-focused, heteronormative society, but the community that you were a part of was insulted. Hence, you were insulted too.
It's important in these situation to get an understand for the vibe of your audience. If you feel like attempting to educate is going to lead to violence, don't do it. It's not worth the time, and does more harm to everyone than it does good.
I think the decision that you made was a good one. Remaining neutral to what he said so as not to give him the reaction he was looking for is the best way to play it. No one was hurt in the process, and you were all able to continue with your lives.