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I did it, and so can you!
So a little background on myself: my interest in this line of work was partially borne out of my own ignorance about sexual health. I was not always effective at having “The Talk” about testing and barriers with potential partners. Some of it had to do with not ruining the mood but most of it was due to my low self-esteem. I did not respect myself enough to ask my partners to treat me with respect, and their lack of respect for me usually extended past the physical attributes of our relationships.
When I got involved in encouraging kids to be vocal about and practice safer sex, I tried to walk the talk in my own life. But seriously… with my self-esteem issues it was hard, and largely unsuccessful at first. I felt like a huge hypocrite and was wrought with worry every time I would see the doctor. Even with a clean bill of health, not being safe is EXPENSIVE. Being the OB-GYN MVP has fewer pros than cons. It wastes time, but more importantly for my frugal self, it wastes cold hard cash that could go toward much more awesome things.
Fast forward to December 2009, three years after I have joined the crusade for safer sex. I meet someone. I quickly discover the only thing we have in common is our desire to ceaselessly make out with each other [keeping this entry G-rated, kids], and he is gorgeous, so I figure I will indulge in a meaningless holiday fling; I have been good this year.
After our first date which was very ‘innocent,’ and while setting up the second date over a phone conversation, I mention that I have been tested, would insist that he were tested if things even got that far, and that I would not budge on the matter. It came about while he was reminiscing on his wild college days. It was the perfect opportunity to flaunt my virgin attempt to be self-respecting and it was pretty painless. Until he mentioned:
“I have never been tested. But, I was always safe.”
Zoinks! It made the virtual Michelle in my head thrust herself pelvis-first into a cold pile of imaginary snow…and cry.
For the record, here’s the peer educator translation from years of experience:
What he/she says: “I’ve never been tested but I’ve always been safe!”What he/she means: “I have never been tested and have usually used protection but have potentially exposed myself to STIs that cannot be prevented with some latex barriers such as HPV and genital herpes and have likely never used protection for oral sex giving or receiving.”
I went into sexual health nerd mode during our second date and explained that even if we never saw each other again he ought to get tested, that it usually involves a visual and urine test for men, the nature of asymptomatic STIs and that condoms do not protect you from everything and that knowing your status takes away so much stress (man, it’s a wonder why I am single, ha!). The look on his face said it all: he had not been as cautious with his health as he thought.
I knew I would have to be diligent in my warding off the desire to tap that/ride the disco stick/ back that thang up/turn-that-thang-‘round-flip-it-and-reverse-it until he was tested. Darn.
Third and (spoiler alert!) final date: Halfway through passionate kissing I pull back and run my hands across his beautiful lips and wince. I think to myself: I wonder if he has herpes?
Dear people holding out on getting tested: getting tested is conducive to sexier thoughts for your partner during sexy time. I figure I have already kissed him before so the kissing continues. Eventually, he breathlessly requests for me to take sexy time further, accompanied by a facial expression I can best describe as “Sexually Frustrated Puppy Eyes” I squeaked out:
“I can’t… you haven’t been tested.”
Victory has never felt so…blue. Nevertheless, it was a victory in terms of self-respect, and on some level, it felt damn good. It still does! My unyielding stance to protect my health was not a mood killer but obviously things had to slow down. He was actually pretty cool about the situation and when I left in the morning I was still rocking a stride of pride back to my place, and it was worry-free to boot.
My big O usually stands for overcautious these days. I am working on loosening up a little (wow, all the double entendres in the entry are making my head spin… and there’s another one) but for now, I think overcautious is a good start.
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I am posting this comment to ask a favor. Would you allow me to print out your story and post it up around my campus. I would be willing to leave out your name and only reference Amplifyyourvoice.org, if you would like. I am interested in your blog, because I believe it provides something that a lot of the students here at Kennesaw State University in GA could really relate to. I am an advocate for healthy and safe sex practices and feel that it is most important to get the awareness out about how to have a safe sexual life while also adressing the complications that trying staying safe can bring up. Please allow me to share your blog so that students, like myself can read it and reflect on their choices about sex. You can email me at mhambri5@students.kennesaw.edu
Thank You,
Markette
Concerned Student