Two new studies were published recently linking women’s sexual satisfaction and overall wellness. The first, “Sexual Satisfaction and Well-Being in Women”, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, showed that women who identified as having low sexual satisfaction had lower sense of well-being, vitality and lower mood scores. Importantly, the study was careful to point out that sexual satisfaction and quantity of sex was not the same thing, and concluded:

This finding in non-depressed women reinforces the importance of addressing sexual satisfaction as an essential component of the overall wellbeing of women.

The second study, “The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Attitudes Toward Women's Genitals”, published in The Journal of Sexual Health, found that men had a higher opinion of women’s genitals that women. Due to feminine hygiene commercials and lack of education (and I would argue a general culture that enforces negative perceptions of women’s bodies), women saw their bodies as dirty. Further, the study said the perceptions of one’s genitals and bodies may have an effect on

a woman’s likelihood to use contraception, reach orgasm or visit the gynecologist

As I am also (late to the party) reading Yes Means Yes, these studies reinforced the book’s argument for a culture that views women’s sexuality as valuable and positive. I think part of the reason we are so far from a Yes Means Yes culture is the so many women stay silent about what their sexual lives look like now. So, here it goes:

I lost my virginity in high school to a partner that I cared about very much and who cared about my pleasure as much or more than his own. Even before that however, I had fooled around with guys, going farther than I necessarily wanted to at a given time because I saw sexual activities as a way to gain power and attention as (I felt) an awkward teenager whose large breasts got her attention she didn’t otherwise know how to handle. By the time I met that boyfriend, I had fully internalized this, and even though he would have gladly experimented and tried new things to please me, I understood sex not as about my pleasure but about my power through ability to bring someone else pleasure.

Because I understood my sexuality in this way, after being pressured to go farther with a good friend while (drunkenly) hooking up, I finally gave in, ending up in tears and a struggle years later, to identify what happened. Since high school, I would place fully a third of my sexual experiences a weird third category that isn’t really what I would call rape as I did not say no and often said yes, but only did so because, as Margaret Cho said in her introduction to Yes Means Yes:

I said yes because I felt it was too much trouble to say no. I said yes because I didn’t to have to defend my ‘no’, qualify it, justify it- deserve it.

Even when I did want to have sex for my own pleasure, once sex began I often went on autopilot, too uncomfortable with my body to let go of my anxiety and not valuing my needs over my partners’.

I struggled with this as I led a Women’s Rights group in High School, the Reproductive Justice group on campus in College, as I Marched for Choice and participated in Take Back the Nights, as I admonished other women to learn to enjoy and value their own bodies, as I dissected and analyzed all of the oppressive structures and influences in our society that made women like me feel the way we did.

Now, I’m not saying that my sex life was all negative. During this time I had great partners as well, whom I felt comfortable enough around to ask for what I needed and whom I trusted enough to feel safe. These experiences showed me there was something else, something better. Finally, I just got fed up. Although I still struggle to see my own needs and wants as valuable, making a decision that I was not going to settle, that I deserved better was a giant step in the right direction. Now, I am pretty good about asking for what I want and need, and have a partner who knows sometimes to step back and ask when I am uncomfortable about speaking up.

But we still live in a culture where the two studies mentioned in the beginning of the article that show women’s sexual satisfaction as being linked to overall wellbeing as newsworthy, but discusses “blue balls” and men’s inherent need for sexual pleasure as common wisdom. Quietly dealing with my own struggle wasn’t helping anyone else. The only way to change this is for everyone, of every gender, to talk about sex.