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AHHHHHH! It's been so long since I've posted! It's way too easy to lose momentum once you fall off the track for a while. BUT I'm hoping this post will break the seal...
So I read an article on The F Bomb the other day that I really liked and that I want to post here. After I read it, I started telling everyone about it really enthusiastically, but I couldn't explain it very well, so it just ended up sounding like, "I read this awesome article and it was talking about how you should totally be okay with the number of people you've had sex with! It's just like, it doesn't matter, whatever, don't judge yourself/others! XOXO! GR8!"
Clearly Ashley P said it better than me. Her post is about accepting, even owning, the number of people you've had sex with.
She starts off,
The past three years, I have often felt guilty and ashamed of my sexual history, always roughly estimating and then lowering to the nearest decimal when telling new partners of my “number.” By being too ashamed to count up my actual number and being unable to tell the truth to partners, friends, etc., I, myself, was perpetuating and even reinforcing this damn double standard. In classes, workshops, and meetings, my feminist self would loudly encourage my female friends to face up and be proud of their number, regardless of whether society would title them “inexperienced” virgin or an “experienced” whore (our only two options as women). All the while, I would never take my own advice.But then, inspired by Jessica Valenti's Full-Frontal Feminism, she decided to go ahead and take her own advice. She tallied up her number.
I remember instinctively sighing with relief. I had expected possibly over 20. It ended up being 11. Then I was further disgusted with myself for being relieved for being under the 20-mark.I really admire how she admitted what her gut reaction was, especially because she didn't like it. But my favorite part of her post was when she whipped out the big guns and wrote about what she thinks our numbers should mean to ourselves.
How about, well, not having any guilt associated with your number, whether its 0 or 370? That is definitely a good starting point for any young woman. Unfortunately, the society we are in is insanely fixated on a woman’s virginity, to the point of unhealthy obsession. Remembering that this particular cultural emphasis of our place, as women, in society as being invested in our (unbroken) hymen is correlating this ridiculous notion of self-worth as being all about control. What helped me to especially embrace my number was that I wasn’t being controlled. I was in control with each of these 11 guys both with my consent and participation. It felt good fully realize that sexual activity has, literally, jack shit to say about my self-worth. I’m still ambitious, creative, confident, and intelligent. Those are the traits you should be basing your self-worth on not the number of people you’ve had in between the sheets.So here's her advice:
Once I was talking to my sisters (older and younger), and I realized I'd had sex with fewer people than either of them. I was extremely embarrassed, especially that number was lower than my younger sister's, but when I told them this, they both quickly assured me that they would much rather have mynumber because there are so many numbers that they regret. This is a perfect example of how we're trained not to own our numbers -- always comparing ourselves to other people in a way that ultimately defines someone as having an undesirable number. What if we just thought that everyone's numbers are okay?If you know your number, own it. If you’re are still like me and it’s still a mystery, tally your number, and then own it. If your number is 0, own it. If your number is 1,234, own it. If you are having sex for kicks and ‘cause it feels good, own it. And, if like me, your number tells a story, or is a possible window into your behavior, learn from it. And then, yes, own it.
If you do feel guilty and ashamed of your number, negate those emotions by thinking about and maybe even writing down the valuable knowledge you’ve gained from your sexual history. Or you can always, like me, relish in your number and think of it as a downright defiance of this asinine cultural that equates woman to their state of hymen.
At first I felt like it would be hypocritical to write this post without sharing my number. I mean, come on, how much can you own your number if you don't want to tell anyone? Well, actually, I think the answer is, you can own it A LOT. I like my number. I own it. And I don't think owning your number and telling everyone what it is are the same thing.
By the way, just because I think not sharing my number is perfectly fine is not to say I do not admire Ashley P for sharing her number. I think this is a HUGELY courageous thing to do and if everyone shared their numbers, I think there would be a lot less stigma, shame, and embarrassment.
Last thing! One thing I did want to kind of nudge Ashley P about was how she calculated her number. She talks about why she only counted men and what that means, which is very important, but that's not what I'm talking about -- I'm thinking more about how we define sex in the first place. Not every sexual experience is clearly Having Sex or Not Having Sex. What about all those .5s? .75s? How do we calculate those?
Anyway....thoughts? How do you feel about your number? Do you find yourself judging yourself? Others? Do you think it's important to own your number?
I think my perception of a person's number depends very highly on how protective and aware they've been with their sexual health. If someone has been with eight people and has been safer and got tested before/after each one, then I feel I can be comfortable with that person. If someone has been with five and has never been tested, does not want to get tested, and never used protection then I would not feel comfortable with that person.
Then there's also the fact that barriers do not protect from er'thang, and that the more people you do have sex with, the more you expose yourself to...
I judge myself for my number only a little. I do "own" it, but like you sort of express in this post my number is so low for someone my age that it probably does more harm than good when people hear it, ha!