I'm reposting two calls for submissions I just saw on Racialicious:

Dear Sister, for survivors of sexual violence on the path towards hope, and Occupied Bodies, for women of color to speak on self-image. I'm going to submit...you should too!

Dear Sister

Dear Sister is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies.  It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.

The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation, and doubt.  In the weeks, months, and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity, and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice, and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.

It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar.  Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden.  You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery.  Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.

Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget.  And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?

Information

Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay, and drawn art that can be scanned for entry.  Maximum word count is 1000.

Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.

Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability, and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence.  Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com

Submission can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject todearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Hand written letters can addressed and mailed to

Dear Sister Anthology

P.O. Box 202468

Cleveland, Oh 44120

Note from the Editor

Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we are seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites, and agencies that come to mind.

 

I am soliciting essays for an anthology on women of color’s self-image/body image as shaped by family, friends, media, society, history, lived experiences, etc. I’m looking for smart, accessible, and snappy personal narratives that also offer nuanced analysis of the underlying constructs that affect how we perceive ourselves. Exploring intersectionality of identities is extremely important. I particularly want the voices of women of color that are not often heard to be represented, such as trans* WOC, disabled WOC, queer WOC, WOC outside the U.S., WOC with eating disorders, working class/poor WOC and fat WOC. Of course, all the varied perspectives any woman of color can offer are welcome. This is an exciting project, as this topic has not been explored in depth and including such a diverse collection of viewpoints before. The final manuscript will be submitted to relevant independent publishers. —— Some possible jumping off points include, but are not limited to:

* What images of yourself were instilled in you by your parents/guardians/other family members when you were a young child? What positive or negative encounters with adults as a child helped shape that image?
* If you were born in a country other than the U.S. and then immigrated to the U.S., how did the society in which you were born play a role in your developing self-image, and what contrasts did you find difficult to navigate between the two societies?
* How did the media you consumed as a child/teen shape your body/self image today? How does it complicate it? How does the media you consume NOW affect your body/self image?
* How did pressure from family and friends affect the way you perceived yourself after you were old enough to take care of yourself?
* How did you feel about societal beauty and body standards as a teen? Did you rebel, or conform by any means necessary to avoid confrontation?
* How has the globalization and dissemination of the Western beauty ideal affected you and women of color worldwide?
* Debunk this: “in some cultures they ______,” – deconstructing a commonly held belief about an ethnic group’s relation to body (such as the black community supposedly being OK with fat).
* If you’re queer, how has being a queer woman of color affected your self-image and how you desire your partner to look? If you’ve had partners who were also women of color, did/do you gaze upon them with the same critical eye you reserve for yourself? Why or why not?
* If you’re a trans* WOC, how was your perception of your gender identity shaped? How has your self/body image changed over the years and have there been any other shifts in your thinking about your self/body image? How does being a WOC interact with your trans* identity? How does it affect how other people perceive you and your gender?
* How has being a disabled WOC affected your body/self image? Do you feel it’s a detriment or a positive part of your person? How did you come to terms with your disability, or has it never been problematic for you?
* As a fat WOC, has weight shaped your self/body image your whole life? Have you developed an eating disorder? Was it exacerbated by there being virtually no resources for women of color, especially for fat WOC?
* Are you a sexual assault/rape survivor? How did that trauma affect your view of yourself?

——- If your experiences overlap on any of the suggested jumping off points, PLEASE feel free to explore that. Guidelines:

* Deadline for submissions is October 15, 2010;
* Submissions should be saved in Word format or Rich Text, double spaced, size 12 Arial or Times New Roman;
* 500 to 5,000 words;
* Include RELIABLE contact information and a brief biography;
* Only e-mail submissions will be accepted, however, if you can’t arrange that please contact me and we’ll work something out.
* Send submissions to: occupiedbodies@gmail.com;
* Again, the deadline for submissions is October 15, 2010.

Who I Am: The woman spearheading this project is Tasha Fierce, a freelance writer who also happens to be a fat, queer, disabled woman of color. I’ve written about race politics, fat acceptance, disability and feminism in several zines, including Evolution of a Race Riot and the zine I edited from 1998-2001, Bitchcore. I have contributed to Jezebel several times, the fat acceptance blog Shapely Prose, the race & pop culture blog Racialicious, and the feminist disability activism blog FWD/Forward. My work has also been featured in The Huffington Post. I live, love and write in Los Angeles, California. You can regularly read me at my own blog, Red Vinyl Shoes (http://redvinylshoes.com/blog) and on Twitter as @redvinylshoes.

For updates, visit http://redvinylshoes.com/blog/occupied-bodies.

Occupied Bodies

AHHHHHH! It's been so long since I've posted! It's way too easy to lose momentum once you fall off the track for a while. BUT I'm hoping this post will break the seal...

So I read an article on The F Bomb the other day that I really liked and that I want to post here. After I read it, I started telling everyone about it really enthusiastically, but I couldn't explain it very well, so it just ended up sounding like, "I read this awesome article and it was talking about how you should totally be okay with the number of people you've had sex with! It's just like, it doesn't matter, whatever, don't judge yourself/others! XOXO! GR8!"

Clearly Ashley P said it better than me. Her post is about accepting, even owning, the number of people you've had sex with. 

She starts off, 

The past three years, I have often felt guilty and ashamed of my sexual history, always roughly estimating and then lowering to the nearest decimal when telling new partners of my “number.” By being too ashamed to count up my actual number and being unable to tell the truth to partners, friends, etc., I, myself, was perpetuating and even reinforcing this damn double standard. In classes, workshops, and meetings, my feminist self would loudly encourage my female friends to face up and be proud of their number, regardless of whether society would title them “inexperienced” virgin or an “experienced” whore (our only two options as women).  All the while, I would never take my own advice.

But then, inspired by Jessica Valenti's Full-Frontal Feminism, she decided to go ahead and take her own advice. She tallied up her number. 

I remember instinctively sighing with relief. I had expected possibly over 20. It ended up being 11. Then I was further disgusted with myself for being relieved for being under the 20-mark. 

I really admire how she admitted what her gut reaction was, especially because she didn't like it. But my favorite part of her post was when she whipped out the big guns and wrote about what she thinks our numbers should mean to ourselves.

How about, well, not having any guilt associated with your number, whether its 0 or 370? That is definitely a good starting point for any young woman. Unfortunately, the society we are in is insanely fixated on a woman’s virginity, to the point of unhealthy obsession. Remembering that this particular cultural emphasis of our place, as women, in society as being invested in our (unbroken) hymen is correlating this ridiculous notion of self-worth as being all about control. What helped me to especially embrace my number was that I wasn’t being controlled. I was in control with each of these 11 guys both with my consent and participation. It felt good fully realize that sexual activity has, literally, jack shit to say about my self-worth. I’m still ambitious, creative, confident, and intelligent. Those are the traits you should be basing your self-worth on not the number of people you’ve had in between the sheets.

So here's her advice: 

If you know your number, own it. If you’re are still like me and it’s still a mystery, tally your number, and then own it. If your number is 0, own it. If your number is 1,234, own it. If you are having sex for kicks and ‘cause it feels good, own it. And, if like me, your number tells a story, or is a possible window into your behavior, learn from it. And then, yes, own it.

If you do feel guilty and ashamed of your number, negate those emotions by thinking about and maybe even writing down the valuable knowledge you’ve gained from your sexual history. Or you can always, like me, relish in your number and think of it as a downright defiance of this asinine cultural that equates woman to their state of hymen.

Once I was talking to my sisters (older and younger), and I realized I'd had sex with fewer people than either of them. I was extremely embarrassed, especially that number was lower than my younger sister's, but when I told them this, they both quickly assured me that they would much rather have mynumber because there are so many numbers that they regret. This is a perfect example of how we're trained not to own our numbers -- always comparing ourselves to other people in a way that ultimately defines someone as having an undesirable number. What if we just thought that everyone's numbers are okay?

At first I felt like it would be hypocritical to write this post without sharing my number. I mean, come on, how much can you own your number if you don't want to tell anyone? Well, actually, I think the answer is, you can own it A LOT. I like my number. I own it. And I don't think owning your number and telling everyone what it is are the same thing. 

By the way, just because I think not sharing my number is perfectly fine is not to say I do not admire Ashley P for sharing her number. I think this is a HUGELY courageous thing to do and if everyone shared their numbers, I think there would be a lot less stigma, shame, and embarrassment. 

Last thing! One thing I did want to kind of nudge Ashley P about was how she calculated her number. She talks about why she only counted men and what that means, which is very important, but that's not what I'm talking about -- I'm thinking more about how we define sex in the first place. Not every sexual experience is clearly Having Sex or Not Having Sex. What about all those .5s? .75s? How do we calculate those? 

Anyway....thoughts? How do you feel about your number? Do you find yourself judging yourself? Others? Do you think it's important to own your number?

A short post about the controversy over interracial dating, particularly within the Black community, stirred up by the latest cover of Essence magazine...

Racialicious writer Latoya Peterson recently posted an article that comprehensively covers the different responses and issues raised by the choice of Reggie Bush for the cover of the "Black Men, Love, and Relationships" issue.



BET's entertainment blog sums up the issue: 

When Essence editors chose to put Reggie Bush on the cover of their February 2010 “Black Men, Love & Relationships” issue, I’m sure they thought they were just giving their readers a little dose of sexual chocolate eye candy (those abs!), but instead all hell broke loose!

The Essence.com boards are flooded with seething comments from people who can’t understand why a magazine geared towards Black women would make the NFL player who is dating a non-Black woman, Kim Kardashian, the cover choice for an issue that celebrates Black love.

A lot of people have a lot of smart things to say about all of this (and, of course, a lot of people also have some not smart things to say). One of the points I found most interesting was that a lot of people have been "blasting" Kim Kardashian as a white woman...but she may not even identify as white -- she is Armenian, Scottish, and Dutch. Peterson covers the controversy really well and includes links to other buzz about the issue.

Here are a couple random questions I've been mulling over since reading this.

Why do conversations about interracial relationships seem to play up stereotypes so much? 

If the positions were reversed -- that is, if Essence were a magazine directed at straight Black men and used the headline "Black Women, Love, and Relationships" with a picture of a famous, beautiful Black woman who was dating a non-Black guy, would the cover get the same amount of buzz? How would people's reactions be different, or would they be the same?

How do you feel about this article and the reactions it's gotten?

So I've started this post about 20 different times, and this (brief) thought process always quickly ended in me finding anything else to do, like "clean up my iTunes playlists," or "look at all the facebook pictures of someone i don't actually know or care about," or "do stretches on my floor while listening to Enya." But now here I am, because my self-inflicted guilt trip has started weighing me down too much. Guilt trip, because I believe this is important for me to write about, for MySistahs, the Amplify community, and for myself. It's just hard to bring myself to actually do it. Also this post is on the long side...so I included a Sparknotes version at the end if that works better for you.

 

Oh yeah -- trigger warning. I give details about my experience with sexual harassment in the workplace.

 

I graduated this past May and moved to NYC and into The Real World in September. I work at a company where there's a very specific hierarchy and stepladder for moving up. I have to be vague because my company is cranky about privacy, but basically there are Big Shots, their assistants, and the people who are the bottom of the totem pole and fill in where they're needed...that would be me.

 

So, a few days before we went on our holiday break at the end of December, we had a holiday party. Earlier that day, at work, one of the assistants was out sick, and I filled in for him. He worked directly for a Big Shot, who we'll call Fred. Fred and I didn't talk much or interact all day, we both kind of did our own thing. Then that night we had our holiday party at this place that had an open bar and no food, which clearly was not the greatest combination for anyone.

 

Also, I wasn't "out" at my workplace for a number of reasons, but the holiday party practically felt like a "coming out" party for me -- I guess the alcohol loosened everyone up, and random friends kept approaching me over the course of the night and telling me they knew I was gay. Then everyone kept telling everyone else, and soon everyone knew. I only actually came out to people myself once it was apparent almost everyone knew. This is definitely NOT what I was expecting to happen at this party, but it was actually a semi positive experience -- everyone seemed really nice and accepting, mostly just amused that I hadn't ever said anything outright about not being 100% straight. Actually I don't necessarily identify the way everyone was labeling me. But that's a topic for another post.

 

One last bit of background information. Big Shot Fred is a good-looking white guy, probably in his late twenties. I am Japanese and Irish and early twenties. Our workplace is predominately white. 

 

Anyway, one of my friends, who we'll call Patricia, came up to me partway through the night and said, "Man A, Man B, and Fred are all talking about how hot they think you are," and she pulled me over to where they were. By then everyone had already heard the news about me being queer, so I felt a lot more comfortable talking to them than I would have if they'd thought I was trying to flirt with them. I ended up having a long, fun conversation with Fred (Patricia was there too). Drunken Fred was giving me all these compliments and I was responding in a really over the top, clearly sarcastically flirtatious way -- it was just all in good fun. Like for example, Fred would say, "Kathleen, you are so pretty, I just love Japanese girls." I'm not kidding, he said that. He also said, "My girlfriend even looks Asian from behind." His girlfriend is a blonde Jewish lady. I also don't know what "Asian from behind" means, and I don't want to know. In response to these comments I would fluff my hair and bat my eyes in a really exaggerated way, and be like, "Wow Fred, that's so romantic, there's nothing I love more than a white guy who fetishizes Asian women, especially since I'm not attracted to men." 

 

So Fred and I were talking for a while, and eventually I went to talk to some other people. But then Fred became kind of obsessed with me. I really don't mean this in an egotistical way, I just don't know how else to explain it. He went around telling people he loved me and that we were going home together. People were coming up to me and saying, "Wow, Fred loves you." I was just having fun with it at this point. For one thing, Big Shots are like "untouchables" at our company, and don't fraternize with people at my level very often, so I felt kind of flattered and special. I also thought that everyone, including him, was on the same page with how ridiculous he was being (he seriously made SO MANY Asian comments). A couple people even come up to me and said, "Fred has a live-in girlfriend, be careful." But I was not concerned, I mean I thought it was pretty clear that nothing was ever going to happen between us, and I was never in a position where I was with him alone, so I just thought it was funny.

 

When I went to talk to some other people, Fred started following Patricia around asking where I was. Patricia told me this part the next day. She told Fred, "I don't think Kathleen is interested in you," and he said, "Yes she is, she was rubbing my cock all day at work today." (I was not.) When Patricia insisted that I wasn't interested, he told her, "I just want to put my cock in her a little bit, I know she will like it." 

 

A bunch of the people from my company went to another bar after the party ended, and that's where things started to take a turn for the worse. When I arrived, Fred would not leave me alone, and kept pulling me towards him, grabbing my butt when I walked by, and following me around. People started going up to him of their own accord and telling him to leave me alone. I wasn't doing the fun flirtatious thing with him anymore. I was just trying to get away from him because I didn't think it was funny anymore. I went into the bathroom with a couple lady coworkers and asked them to keep him away from me (they knew what had been going on...everyone did). They did a good job -- he mostly stayed away from me after that.

 

The last time Fred came over to me, I was sitting on a bench with Patricia and a couple other friends. Someone was taking a picture of us. Fred came stumbling over and tried to sit on my lap. Patricia pulled him away so was sitting next to me instead. Then Fred started grabbing at my crotch and my upper thighs/groin area. This is a really gross analogy, but the way he was grabbing at my crotch reminded me of a dog digging for something in the dirt. I know. It's weird thing to say. Anyway this is when I finally felt 100% uncomfortable without any doubt about if it was funny or a joke. Patricia and I literally had to fight him off, and after a few attempts to shove his hands off of me, I got free and we went home.

 

The next day at work Fred passed me and smiled, waved, and said hello. I was confused...did he not remember what had happened? I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if this was sexual harassment. I felt like a dunce. Was I overreacting? Was I underreacting? I wanted someone to wave a magic wand and give me the right answer for what to do.

 

The more I thought about it, the weirder I felt. I thought, if this is how aggressive Fred was in public, surrounded by his coworkers, with so much to lose, with so many clear and obvious "no's" and so many people telling him to leave me alone...if this is how aggressive he is in that scenario, how aggressive would he be in private? What if I was attracted to him and went with home and started making out or something? Then I decided I didn't want to go any further? He did not seem like the type who would take no for an answer. I thought, I can't be the first woman he has acted like this towards, and I'm sure I won't be the last. If he ignores consent in a public situation where he has so much to lose, I found it hard to believe that he would listen in the bedroom. 

 

Then, I found out I was going to be filling in for another assistant the next day, who works right next to Fred, so I would be seeing Fred all day long. I knew that I could not do that. So I went to Human Resources and told them what happened. I had thought I wasn't that upset about it because I hadn't had much of an emotional response, mostly I had just been thinking things through, but when I was talking to HR I surprised myself by being so nervous. I thought I was going to cry but I already felt like such a "weakling" for letting Fred grab at my crotch that I thought I was proving something by holding it together now. It was horrible to talk about what had happened. I was so embarrassed and somehow I felt naked. I also felt like as I talked, I was growing to the size of a grain of sand, while the woman from HR was progressively becoming a larger and larger giantess. She said she'd get back to me the next day.

 

So the next day, she told me that she'd talked to the head of HR in our Los Angeles office, and the heads of the office in our NYC office. She apologized on behalf of the company and thanked me for coming to talk to her. She said they were all in strong consensus that this was sexual harassment. However, she said, there are two main types of sexual harassment, and mine fit into neither of them. The two main types are (1) quid pro quo -- this for that, if you do this sexual favor for me, I'll do something to advance your career and (2) hostile environment sexual harassment -- this has to be a pattern of inappropriate behavior that is a regular part of the work environment, and a single incident is only considered to fall under this category if it's "extremely outrageous."

 

The woman from HR said I had two choices. I could let them do what they'd already decided to do, or I could file a formal complaint. What they'd already decided to do was have a serious sit-down talk with Fred. They would tell him that if he ever did anything like this again, he would be fired. If he retaliated in any way, including gossiping, he would be fired. And that he had to leave me alone from then on. They would also put a note in his file about what happened. If I filed a formal complaint, they would go through a fact-finding process to determine if I was telling the truth, and if it was sexual harassment. The HR woman told me that since they already believed me and know it's sexual harassment, that would be kind of pointless. After that, they would either decide to fire him, or give him a serious talk. She said that what would probably happen would be the serious talk -- so filing a formal complaint would most likely have the same end result as the informal process, but take a lot longer. Then she said that she recommended I go the informal way, because it would be basically easier to pretend like nothing had happened. It would be more low-key -- fewer people would be involved and fewer people would have the chance to find out inadvertently. Last year I went through a similar hearing process that was pretty much the worst experience of my life, so I could not bear to go through this again, and told her it was okay to go the informal route. I'm still not sure I made the right decision to choose informal over formal. 
 

Now a surprising part. A couple days later, HR gave me an apology Fred had written to me. Rather than read it, I sat in the bathroom staring at the envelope for 45 minutes while everyone else was at a holiday lunch party. Then I carried it around in my purse obsessively for the next few days without reading it. I guess I didn't read it because the act of writing an apology symbolized something to me that I needed so much -- an acknowledgement that what had happened was wrong and not my fault -- that I didn't want to be disappointed by what it actually said. Finally, I asked one of my best friends to read it first because I deeply trust her judgment and knew that whatever she said would make me feel better. But she seemed surprised and said I should read it, that it was really good. And it was. Fred made no excuses or justifications. He said that what happened had been a wake up call to him, and he realized he had a problem and was going to get help. He said he only wished that I had not been the alarm. He said he was so sorry for doing this to me especially, because he had been impressed by my professionalism on the job and how respected I was among people at the company. I was shocked to read these words. If I had to imagine what I wanted him to say, that would have been it. 

 

Wish I could end on that note, but unfortunately, one more little thing happened that's worth mentioning. Fred's assistant had been absent from the holiday party, but later found out what happened between me and Fred because everyone had seen it at the party, and someone must have filled him in. I think Fred's assistant felt really embarrassed and awkward about it, but guess how he decided to show it? He grabbed my side in this weird poking/tickling movement and said, "Just giving you a flashback!" What? Are you a real person?? WHO DOES THAT?

 

Now here I am, a couple weeks away from the whole thing, and I still feel pretty uncomfortable at work. Whenever I accidentally pass Fred, it's super awkward. I also hate this feeling that people are gossiping about what happened. Ugh. 

 

SPARKNOTES VERSION:

 

One of my superiors made a lot of flirtatious yet completely inappropriate and racist comments to me. I thought we were joking around so was having fun. Started not thinking it was funny when he wouldn't leave me alone, touched my butt whenever I walked by, and especially when he started grabbing at my crotch and upper thighs. Next day I didn't know what to make of it and was questioning myself. Ended up talking to Human Resources and they pretty much took it out of my hands. Said it was definitely sexual harassment and had a serious sit-down talk with the guy. Guy wrote me a very unexpectedly sincere and meaningful apology. Now I still feel uncomfortable at work.

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

If you ever feel like you may have been sexually harassed at your workplace, I encourage you to talk to someone in your company that you trust. I definitely felt better telling HR and I know I would have regretted not saying anything. It's not easy to tell someone but it is also not easy to regret not saying anything. Also, a lot of times your company will give you a number to call if you ever feel harassed, sexually or otherwise, at work, and don't have anyone at work you feel comfortable talking to. It's usually one of those things they give you when you first start that you immediately lose and forget about, but unfortunately you might really need it someday. This site gave me a lot of information about sexual harassment in the workplace and even have stories from other people who have experienced it. Here is a list of resources to find out more about sexual harassment in the workplace, including legal options. 

 

Thanks for reading all of this. I hope that if there is someone out there who has also experienced sexual harassment at work, you know that it is okay and normal to feel confused and unsure of what to do, and you are not alone. 

Okay, this post isn't very timely because it's about a CNN article from September 30, but I just read it for the first time and am so turned off (!) by the whole thing that I have come here to rant. The article is describing a new book called "Why Women Have Sex" by psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss, professors at the University of Texas at Austin.

What makes a woman want to have sex? Is it physical attraction? Love? Loneliness? Jealousy? Boredom? Painful menstrual cramps?

I'm sorry, what? Why is nobody asking why men have sex? Is that supposed to be self-explanatory? Also what is this implication that it's a huge mystery why women want to have sex? Is that supposed to be yet another Secret of the Blushing Woman? That's not a real phrase I just made it up because I am raging.

Okay, okay, part of what the book is going for is to look into the thought processes behind situations when women decide to have sex, and the partners they choose. That IS interesting. But wouldn't it all be more accurately represented by questions like, How do women choose their sexual partners? What factors into a woman's decision to have sex in a given situation? 

Sure, the title Why Women Have Sex is catchy, but in my opinion, it's also underscoring this not-so-extinct notion that men want sex (all the time), and women don't. The question is definitely interesting -- the reasons people have sex can be super complicated. But that's another problem. It's complicated for people. Not just women. Here are some of their groundbreaking discoveries, anyway:

It turns out that women's reasons for having sex range from love to pure pleasure to a sense of duty to curiosity to curing a headache. Some women just want to please their partners, and others want an ego boost.

The article goes on to explain some of the authors' findings. My issue is less with the "findings" and more with how they're described. For example, the author of the CNN article quotes one of the authors, Meston, as saying, 

"Many of the women were having sex purely because they wanted the experience, they wanted the adventure, they wanted to see what it was like to be with men of different ethnicities," she said. "Some women said they wanted more notches on the belt. They simply wanted to get rid of their virginity." 

So close, yet so far from saying, "Some women have sex because they like sex." Instead, we get, "Women want to experiment with different ethnicities." Did "many" of the women really say this? I'm sure some did, but I'd like to believe that The Experience and Adventure of Having Sex With Ethnic People is not a hugely important factor in most women's decision to have sex. Either way, why do we need to paint female sexuality in such a questionable, even racially ignorant light, especially in a short article about a book that probably gives many other reasons why women have sex "for the experience"?

And is it just me (very possible), or is there some weird, vaguely negative undertone to that entire quote? A hint of disdain for those women who want "more notches on their belt"? Condescension or dismissal of the women who want to "get rid of their virginity"? Okay, maybe it's neutral. But I'd be shocked to hear someone argue that it's empowering. 

But now to my favorite problem which you probably have already noticed: Heteronormativity! I mean, that one word pretty much sums it up. Queer women and trans people do not exist in this article. Not sure about the book but it's not looking good. 

Then comes another lovely point. The other author, Buss, is quoted as saying:

"The adaptive problem that women have had to solve is not simply picking a man who is fertile but a man who perhaps will invest in her, a man who won't inflict costs on her, a man who might have good genes that could be conveyed to her children," he said.

In this context, women must also be more selective, because wrong choices can lead to much higher costs than for men: pregnancy and child-rearing.

Has Buss ever heard of a woman supporting herself without a man "investing in her"? What is up with this entire phrase -- that if women make "wrong choices" by sleeping with a guy who doesn't have great genes, she'll be stuck being pregnant and raising a child alone? 

And last but not least, the article ends with a bang, or bomb. 

A 26-year-old heterosexual woman wrote, "When I was single, I had sex for my own personal pleasure. Now that I am married, I have sex to please my husband. My own pleasure doesn't seem as important as his. I believe he feels the same way."

What? Is that seriously the last sentence? If this were coming from an article with a different vibe, it might be a sobering and powerful quote, but here, I just want to go up to the author of the article and say, "Please tell me you know there is something wrong with this statement." There's a good chance the author would say there is, and I would be relieved. But instead, I'm not sure. And I don't think it's okay for an article about "Why Women Have Sex" to be sending an ambiguous message about how women should (or should not) feel empowered about their own sexuality and sexual autonomy.

Since I haven't read the book, it's definitely possible that it's less heteronormative and sends a more empowering message than this article does. I do think it's interesting to hear what women are thinking when it comes to sex, and it's a promising sign that an extensive study was conducted on the subject (and a book written). But I don't think it should be too much to ask for writers to take care in the words they choose and the attitudes they promote when discussing female sexuality. It's irresponsible and despicable to write about female sexuality in a way that is anything less than thoughtful, respectful, and empowering.

Model Jennifer Hawkins, who was also Miss Universe in 2004, poses nude and un-airbrushed in the February Australian issue of Marie Claire. The purpose of this move is to empower women and generate awareness around body image issues, but it's receiving a lot of criticism and backlast.



An article on the Huffington Post has more details:

Editor Jackie Frank told The Australian that the images were inspired by a survey of 5500 readers, which showed that only 12 percent of women were truly happy with their bodies. Marie Claire put Hawkins on the cover to make a positive statement about body image and the photographs of Hawkins will be auctioned later this month, with the proceeds donated to the Butterfly Foundation, an eating disorders support group.

In the interview, Hawkins says, "I'm not a stick figure--I thought it would be great to tell women to just be themselves and be confident."

Sounds good right? Not to everyone...

But the cover sparked an outcry from Marie Claire readers such as "She wants to make [women] feel more comfortable about how they look, gee thanks, I now feel worse! I'm a size 10 and I still have more rolls than her!" and "If anything is going to have me running to the toilet with my finger down my throat it's a picture of Jennifer Hawkins naked."

Here's what was said in response to the negative criticism: 

The Butterfly Foundation's general manager Julie Parker pointed out Hawkins flaws, including her dimpled thigh, creased waist and skin-tone changes. Parker told The Age that photographing an average Australian woman wouldn't have worked.

"The thing is unfortunately it doesn't make the same point, because Jennifer sells magazines and she creates awareness. If 'Marie Claire' had chosen to put on their cover an ordinary women, say myself or a friend of yours, it would not have created the awareness it does."

I tend to agree with Parker on this one. If it were an "ordinary" woman, it wouldn't raise the same amount of awareness because people wouldn't care as much. I wish that's not how it was, but I do think that's the lame reality. Here's another question... would the cover raise awareness if it were a woman of color instead of a white woman? Actually, will this cover even raise awareness or make women feel more positive about themselves, or not? 

What do you think?

TRIGGER WARNING: This post is about a scene of domestic violence and includes a graphic description.



The show Glee is a favorite topic lately in the sexual health world. It seems like the general consensus is that while it has its issues, it's a step in the right direction because it's a sex-positive show. 

Even as its issues seemed to pile up, I still really liked Glee. Until last night when I saw the latest episode, "Mattress," on Hulu. 

This latest episode of Glee contains an alarming scene of domestic violence. What's more alarming is how un-alarmed most people -- including all the characters on the show -- seem to be.

So here's what happened: 

Terri, Will's wife, has been pretending for a while now that she's pregnant because she is afraid her husband will leave her otherwise. In this scene, he finds out, and confronts her -- using violence and intimidation based on his size and strength.

Yet somehow, Will definitively comes across as the victim, and Terri as the scheming, manipulative person. 

So I did what any incoherent, raging person would do in my place and googled "glee mattress violence." And thankfully I came across the blog "this ain't livin': [everything] is a feminist issue." And the blogger "meloukhia" says it all a whole lot better than I could. Seriously, read the entire article. 

meloukhia writes,

“Mattress” marked the Unmasking of the Deceptor; finally, Will learned the truth about Terri’s pregnancy. And what happened? Did we have a touching scene in which she confessed that she was worried Will was going to leave her, and she thought she was pregnant and she panicked when the doctor said she wasn’t? Did we have A Serious Conversation in which they talked about what was happening with their marriage? (Perhaps as a warning and sobering counterpoint to the doomed marriage Emma is about to embark upon.)
 

No, we did not.
 

We learned why Terri is so frightened of Will. We learned, in fact, that Terri had good reason to be terrified of Will, and to be afraid of the consequences of confessing the truth about her pregnancy.
 

We had domestic violence. We had Terri in the kitchen, cooking (of course, that’s where women should be, right?) and Will stormed in. There was screaming. Things were thrown. Terri was backed in the counter, trapped, physically overpowered by Will. He grabbed her wrist, quite harshly. And screamed some more.
 

“You’re scaring me,” she said, and Will kept right up with the violence.
 

The scene ends with Will, Righteous Deceived Will, storming out of the house.
 

“Come back,” Terri sobs.
 

This is a scene that plays out every day in households all over America.
 

And we’re supposed to view Will as a sympathetic character?
 

Evidently we are, because the rest of the episode featured him. We never saw Terri again. And everyone made sure to sympathize with poor Will and his tough family life, because of course Will didn’t mention the fact that he physically and verbally assaulted his wife.
 

I know some people might think I am overreacting, but I am going to just go ahead and say that this actually IS a big deal. Every time a moment of domestic violence is treated like it's not domestic violence is inappropriate and wrong. Especially when it's on a TV show that a lot of people watch and that is supposed to be sex-positive. This was not "borderline domestic violence." There is NO SUCH THING. 

Like meloukhia says,

Glee, you have just crossed a line you cannot come back from. I thought that line had already been crossed, but I was wrong. The minute you depicted domestic violence and cast the abuser as the hero of the piece, you went irrevocably to a Dark Place. There is no redemption from here; I don’t care how Will’s character is being set up and how he is supposed to be read, in this episode, he was a Wronged Man and a Tragic Hero who assaulted his wife.

Just saw this post on the blog 365 Gay:

A straight couple who lives in Brooklyn, Rachel Murch D'Olimpio and Matthew D'Olimpio, are applying to annul their marriage in response to the New York Senate's vote against legalizing gay marraige -- reasoning that "their marriage contract violates constitutional equality and is thus void."

Blogger Emma Ruby-Sachs explains,

An annulment is usually reserved for marriages where there is no consummation of the marriage (yep, that means sex), insanity, fraud or one or both members of the couple entered into marriage while under duress. Unlike a divorce, it claims that the marriage was never viable and legal or that the situation has changed so significantly through no fault of either member of the couple that the marriage must be dissolved.
 

The couple has also made a facebook group for other New York residents planning to follow their lead. (Can someone link to this if they find it?)

Legally, the annullment may or may not work out:

Legally, their approach has some promise. Contracts freely entered into can be deemed void if they contravene public policy. There is an argument — one that has been successful in Iowa and California — that giving marriage rights to straight couples and not same-sex couples violates the right to equal protection of the laws. This is not new reasoning.

However, usually the courts require the applying individual to prove that they are, in some way, being denied equal protection of the laws of the state. Rachel and Matthew are fully protected. It’s their friends and fellow New York residents who are being denied their rights.

Either way, I think this is awesome. It reminds me of this one episode on the L Word when Kat's boyfriend proposes to her. Kat's sister and most of her friends identify as lesbian or queer, and Kat basically tells her boyfriend, "If I were going to get married to anyone, I would get married to you. But I'm not going to get married when this state doesn't allow all of these people I love to be married." 

I wish more people would do this. Lately I've started to get annoyed by people -- especially friends and coworkers -- who talk so freely about their plans and dreams for their future weddings. I recently graduated from college and I've found that a lot of people my age are talking about this kind of stuff. It's just like, Do you not realize that there are so many people who can't do this -- who are not legally allowed to get married and have these dreams? People you know and work with? In my imaginary world, everyone goes on a strike against marriage until everyone has equal rights. Okay, maybe it isn't necessarily fair to say that certain people shouldn't enjoy a right or privilege just because not everyone has it. Or is it? I don't know... I guess for now I am just a Wedding Scroogesse.

This entry is a part of our World AIDS Day Blogathon.  During this week we share our experiences, stories, and ideas about how HIV affects young people around the world. Join the blogathon .


Just wanted to share a postcard I saw on PostSecret a couple weeks ago.

This entry is a part of our World AIDS Day Blogathon.  During this week we share our experiences, stories, and ideas about how HIV affects young people around the world. Join the blogathon .

Last night I went to the New York Gay and Lesbian Center to hear Bonnie Goldman from TheBody.com lead a discussion for 20-somethings on HIV/AIDS in observance of World AIDS Day. The Body website is "The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource," with a ton of resources, information, and events surrounding HIV/AIDS. The discussion was really interesting, so I wanted to let you all know some of the things we talked about.

First, Bonnie showed this short video about the life of one gay (cartoon) man, and some of the unsafe experiences he has before finding True Love. FYI, this video is pretty graphic, and I think merits a TRIGGER WARNING. Although most of the audience was laughing and I think it's "all in good fun," I personally found it a little hard to watch. Anyway, the final message of the video is "Live long enough to find the right one -- Protect Yourself [against AIDS]."



Some people thought the video was pretty effective in getting its message across -- what do you all think? Bonnie talked about how the video points to a message she thinks is really important: that one of the main problems is not that people don't know enough about HIV prevention, not that people don't care enough to find out, but that the heart of the issue is self-esteem. Basically, if you don't have self-esteem, would you insist that your partner use a condom? Would you make sure that you both are tested? Would you be able to easily stand up for your safety and say no to what someone else wants?

More...

I went onto the Huffington Post this morning and the article "Sex infections still growing in U.S., says CDC"  by Maggie Fox immediately caught my eye.

Here are some of the salient results of the CDC's recent study:

* 1.2 million cases of chlamydia were reported in 2008, up from 1.1 million in 2007.

* Nearly 337,000 cases of gonorrhea were reported.

* Adolescent girls 15 to 19 years had the most chlamydia and gonorrhea cases of any age group at 409,531.

* Blacks, who represent 12 percent of the U.S. population, accounted for about 71 percent of reported gonorrhea cases and almost half of all chlamydia and syphilis cases in 2008.

* Black women 15 to 19 had the highest rates of chlamydia and gonorrhea.

* 13,500 syphilis cases were reported in 2008, an almost 18 percent increase from 2007.

* 63 percent of syphilis cases were among men who have sex with men.

* Syphilis rates among women increased 36 percent from 2007 to 2008.

Overall, CDC estimates that 19 million new sexually transmitted infections occur each year, almost half among 15- to 24-year-olds.
 

I wish I could say these are startling statisics.... but unfortunately as most of us know, this is not news.

What I like about this article is that it emphasizes the connection between these statistics and the problems with our sexual health education system here in the U.S.

More...

 Trina, Michelle, and I weren't the only ones reppin Advocates for Youth at the Bacchus and Gamma Conference this past weekend...some of our lovely Ohio campus organizers made the grueling trip to bask in the Orlando sun as well!

So of course, we jumped on this opportunity to talk to them about what's going on at their schools and what they're passionate about during our first AFY reunion post Urban Retreat '09!

Check out these videos if:
You want to learn about some of the great programs happening on 2 Ohio campuses
You want to hear three stunning young people talk about what they're passionate about
You need to jump-start your activist engine!

Here's Emma from the University of Cincinnati talking about her passion for sexual health, as well as some of the great sexual assault programs on her campus:




And here are Colleen and Mindy from Bowling Green State University talking about a ton of great peer education programs they're a part of, the issues they care most about, and some of their inspiring plans for World AIDS Day. 



Keep up the great work, ladies!

Happy Friday, Sistahs!

Michelle and I had an inspiring conversation today with C.J., a charismatic peer educator here at the Bacchus & Gamma Conference.

C.J. talked to us about what having a positive body image means to her as a young woman of color. Take a couple of minutes and hear why she wants you to celebrate your beauty!



So ladies...how do YOU embrace or struggle with body image as a woman of color? What do you do if you wake up in the morning and just can't get excited about what you see in the mirror? What do you tell your friends when they're getting down about their hips or their height? What have people told you that's helped, or not helped?

Check out our page on body image for more thoughts!