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Trying to cope

by: horsesbff

Monday, January 4, 2010 at 5:50:00 PM EST

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I have no idea what I'm doing. I just followed a list of links about homosexuality, and I'm here. Wow. It is so overwhelming. Last night I was having dreams about kissing boys, but not knowing what to think about it. Now, here I am, about 24 hours later, about 99.9% sure I am a lesbian.

I am sitting here, writing this in my bathroom because I'm too scared to tell my mom. I thought, just to experiment, I would look at lesbian sex videos and check out sites. Then it dawned on me that this is still porn. I was disgusted. I didn't seem to realize that there was so much more to being a lesbian than just the sex.

I read about two blogs here, and realized that all of the stuff I have been hearing about lesbians was all negative. I have thought through whether or not I am a lesbian before, but have always said, "No, that is too gross." Now I read the full stories and see that there is more to it than the steamy scenes the media feeds you.

It is not like I am choosing to be a lesbian, I am just noticing that I seem to be more attracted to girls. Who knows, maybe I am just lost right now, and I will find myself straight tomorrow, and maybe I will be ready to tell my mom all about my sexuality. But, right now, I guess I am right here with the rest of you. I am a lesbian, I like girls, and I wouldn't change that right now for the world.

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Welcome to Amplify! Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad that you did, because it really shows your struggle for personal acceptance. Being a lesbian is a great thing- just as great as being bisexual or heterosexual. You're definitely right that being lesbian is not all about sex. I'm straight, but who I am is not defined by my sex life. And neither is yours, no matter who you are or aren't sleeping with.
I also want to say that I agree that a huge percentage of girl/girl images in the media are aimed at heterosexual men. It's pretty disappointing. I really hope that the media evolves over the next few years to include girl/girl images that are shown for more than just the male gaze.
Also, whether you're lesbian or bisexual or straight, don't worry about labels. You're you- not your sexual orientation.

# Posted By Mahayana | 1/4/10 10:19 PM | Report | Reply

I'd also like to welcome you to Amplify. You'll find a really supportive community here so I hope it helps you. And I'd like to add that because sexuality is fluid, you shouldn't be surprised to find yourself learning new things about your sexuality for the rest of your life. The beginning of the journey is probably the most confusing, but try not to worry about it. Stay confident and just keep being who you are.

# Posted By allyouneedislove | 1/5/10 01:47 AM | Report | Reply

Hello horsebff,

My name is Rikki. I am an online peer educator for YouthResource.
http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource

I would like to first say that how you are feeling is perfectly normal. I think you have found some blogs on amplify, but I want to let you know if you need help navigating the website and find more blogs, I can help you.

I am here for you.

Rikki

# Posted By