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i guess i should've seen it coming. But i didn't. You see, I was raised in an enviroment where I would be the least likely to be lesbian. Heck, i didn't even know what the word meant til i was maybe in 8th grade. But i am a lesbian. Thinking about it, i guess there were some signs, i couldn't see them cuz i had lived too sheltered of a life to notice them. You know that game kids play called doctor? Well, it usually involoves a boy whippin out his thing for a girl to see and a girl lifting up her shirt (maybe) for a boy. I did that. With girls. Nothing bad happened, we were just curious kids. I would get reprimanded for doing that and told that it "was bad" and maybe put on time out or something. I never did that with boys. In fact even a thought of a guy's thing makes me shudder. (ironically i'm quite a prude with these things) Next i know, I'm in junior high and i don't really like guys all that much. They're just so........immature,gross,unstable, etc.(No offense to guys out there, but your sex really isn't my type.) Anywho, starting about seventh grade maybe i start having these HUGE crushes on girls. Usually just one, for sometimes an entire school year. When i saw them my stomach would flip, even if it was just during passing period. I'd want to talk to them, know them, become the friend they would confide in. (silly i know) None of that ever happened. But to me, that was me covering and getting familiar with the idea of having an emotional relationship with girls. Time progressed, i moved up a couple levels in acceptance, and here i am. A girl who believes that you are born the way you are, it doesn't just happen. A girl who checks out cute chicks she doesn't even know. (thank god no friends have become appealing yet.) And finally (and sadly) a girl who doesn't have the guts to come out of the closet until she can actually provide for herself and not be worried about getting kicked out of the house. But hey, i know who i am. And that's all that matters.
I am SO glad I read your post, because now I know I'm not the only girl who is grossed out my a guy's.... thing. (I've compared it to a dead fish!) I never realized it until my ex-boyfriend and I did stuff.... just the.... ugh, bad memories. :/
And I just want you to know I'm scared of coming out too, at least until I'm in college. I know how you feel...I wish you the best of luck!