aaliyah1984
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So I need some advice from you all on this. I have a 13 year old nephew who is being raised by my passive-aggressive grandmother who does not believe in addressing any issue. My nephew does not have any one to look up to aside from friends that are taller than him.
The other night my aunt came back home and found a few teenage girls sitting on the porch at 2am waiting for their mothers to come and pick them up. There were other boys that were there with my nephew but the police made them go home.
In addition to this incident I have read his text messages that talk of highly sexual behavior and I have no idea how to address this with him. A lot of people I know think that I should not assume he is active so I asked. To get me off his back he said no. I am not sure if that is true or not.
I thought the other day that maybe I should be more blatant and ask him very specific questions about what he has and has not done and give him some guidence on decision making according to what he has and has not done.
I am not sure where to go from here with him because I want to make sure he is making good decisions but I know he has not been educated and he does not feel comfortable talking to me.
What should I Do???????
It is wonderful that you care so deeply about your nephew. I agree that you should not assume that he is sexually active. He may or may not be. At 13 a lot of young people are thinking about sex a lot of the time. Some are acting on it, most aren't. But it is normal at this age to be interested in the topic of sex and to express sexual feelings in a variety of ways. Of course most of us think that young people should wait to have sex until they are older. Yet, some young people don't wait.
Either way it is incredibly important that teens are empowered with the information and skills to recognize their own motivations, to make decisions with intention, to communicate well with and respect the wishes of their partner and to use protection.
There are somethings that you can do to try to make this happen.
Try to open up the lines of communication. It is not important necessarily that your nephew tell you if he is or isn't haveing sex. What is important is that you open up a conversation with him in a way that doesn't shut him down. Try finding ways to start a conversation that he would not see as threatening to him. Take it slow. The idea is for you to establish yourself as someone he can talk to. Think about who you'd want to talk with or open up to if you were his age. It would probably be someone who wouldn't judge you, someone who would really listen, someone with whom you could feel comfortable asking questions. Someon you could respect.
To start a conversation you could sit down and listen to music together, then talk about the lyrics; or watch t.v. together and talk about the episode. Look for "teachable" moments, but don't force them. I have a 14 year old and some of the best conversations we have are about pop culture--what does he think about the situation with Chris Brown and Rhianna? What does he think about the break up of Bristol Palin and her baby's father? These can be conversation starters.
Once the lines of communication are open, provide information in a non-threatening way. Teens this age, act like they aren't listening, or like they know it all, but they do hear you. Sex is a topic that consumes them at this age--so they are listening even if it seems like they arent'. You can provide some info yourself. You can also give your nephew few books on sexuality and sexual health that he can read privately. There are also some great web sites with information, like http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/ or http://www.sexetc.org/.
It is completely ok to give your nephew information about sex and sexuality, to talk about issues of respect, protection, relationships--in short to empower him with information to help him protect himself if he is sexually active and to still say, " While I want you to have this information, I also want you to know that I think you are too young to have sex."
Finally, as a mother, I know that my son will not always tell me things or come to me when he needs information/help. So I want him to consciously think about who else he might go to for information or help --and I want him to do this before he needs it. Every year around his birthday I say, "Look, I hope you know that you can always come to me about anything, but I know that you won't always feel comfortable. So , I want you to think about who else you might go to for help--who would you feel comfortable talking to." Once he tells me who it is, if it is someone I think would advise him well, I acknowledge that as a great idea and tell him I trust that person. Further I make it clear that whatever he talks about with that person is confidential, I don't need to know about it.
So, in short, my best advice is not to freak out and don't judge. Instead try to create a space to open up communication. Be the older aunt and provide information, insight, support and affirmation. Listen to him, talk with him (not at him). Again, he's lucky to have you!