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As if the holidays didn’t come with enough baggage, there’s always the existential dilemma of appropriate “relationship” protocol. Easily the most excruciating time of year to be single, this most-magical season also holds a special brand of torture for those poor souls in any type of relationship short of something out of a made-for-TV holiday special.
Cue the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future — either you’re lonely or you’re smothered; avoiding the inevitable relationship small talk of office parties and family gatherings; deliberating whether to call or get back together with a certain someone; debating if you should bring your other half home to meet the family; grappling with the time-honored crisis of what and where to call, buy, bring and be with that not-so-new, yet not-quite-properly vetted flavor of the moment … and a partridge in a pear tree.
As if a recession, mounting pile of holiday debt and quest to lose 10lbs by New Year’s weren’t enough to keep the dancing sugarplums at bay, the instant and inherent barrage of holiday-specific relationship psycho-babble is enough to make even the most festive merrymakers among us cry bah humbug.
This time of year holds considerable meaning for so many, and just as stringing lights, wish lists and midnight sermons suddenly take on a larger-than-life significance — the same holds true for relationships or a lack there of. No matter where your so-called situation falls in the spectrum of commitment, nothing says “where is this going?” quite like, “guest optional.”
From that black-tie cocktail to your condo association’s Yankee swap to Friends & Family Night at the Gap (can’t a girl get 30 percent off a single item without debating her inherent worth as a human being?) — suddenly, arriving alone to any manner of events becomes the seasonal equivalent of vandalizing a Nativity scene. Even for the most-resilient singles, checking or not checking every tiny plus-one box in the flurry of incoming invitations is often more daunting than deciphering exactly what your boss’s wife means by a “Texas-holiday-festive-eclectic” dress code.
And even if you’re not on Team “I-will-strangle-the-adiamondisforever.com-ad-department-with-a-string-of-garland,” you’re still not safe. So much for burying your head in the virtual comfort and anonymity of Couplesville — you’re on a one-way sleigh over the river and through the woods straight to the land of “Please explicitly define every facet of your relationship.” Mind the inflatable lawn snow globe.
Despite carefully determining what category of commitment warrants extending which invite, your personal life still manages to feel about as private as the window display at Saks. Even seemingly innocent introductions are suddenly more loaded than your Aunt Janie after a few glasses of eggnog — “Hi, this is my (cough, clears throat) [insert predetermined, appropriately vague title here.]” Expectations hinge on your every word and action, and if said label/gesture doesn’t quite fit into a pretty little package, well, let’s just say a lump of coal in your stocking is probably the least of your problems.
And don’t even get me started with gifts. You’re obligated to find a present that is somehow representative of your level of physical and emotional intimacy with another human being; you’ve also got to put a dollar amount on it. Trust me — the thought is just about the only thing that doesn’t count.
So, what does a good girl or boy have to do to avoid the naughty list this year (or stay on it in a good way)? How does one manage to maintain some sanity and dignity (whatever you have left), while making sure those around you — especially those who might see you naked on a somewhat regular basis — feel comfortable?
Of all our holiday traditions, perhaps the American obsession with all things material and quantitative is most to blame here. The direct result of multi-million dollar marketing campaigns and everyone’s favorite national pastime — other people’s business — at no other time of year are we more expected to demonstrate our level of success, happiness and superiority over others than we are during the holidays. Throw in forced quality time and mandatory joy with people we spend the rest of the year avoiding, and you have a recipe for disaster that rivals even the most-atrocious fruitcake.
Despite your head spinning like a dreidl, let’s be honest about who’s really applying the pressure here: Your parents? Your not-quite significant other? Jesus? Santa? Exactly —it’s much more likely the culprit here is you. So take a cue from our friend Frosty and chill. If someone’s judging you for arriving to a party alone, in my experience it’s much more about validating their sad excuse of a date than about your lack of one. If you’re spending time with someone who expects the holidays to serve as a litmus test for your relationship, then my guess is they might not be the person you want to spend them with after all.
In the famous words of Dr. Seuss, the real spirit of the season “comes without ribbons, it comes without tags, it comes without packages, boxes or bags.” So, take it from the girl who has spent the past few Christmas Eves with Charlie Brown, a bottle of peppermint schnapps and a Springer Spaniel named Mitch — there’s no better time of year to stay wrapped up in sheets instead of drama.
To you and yours — happy holidays.
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by Anatic09
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