About Me:
Erica Yates (E) is a dedicated employee of Advocates for Youth with a passion for working with and empowering young people. Being a champion of life she has lived through most of the turmoil that may challeng today’s youth. She’s a self-certified (lol) PHD at loving and living with a focus on “Realism” and self-love! In her spare time you’ll find her creating beautiful music (vocal), surrounding herself with positive creative people, and GIVING ADVICE!
Erica Yates (E) is a dedicated employee of Advocates for Youth with a passion for working with and empowering young people. Being a champion of life she has lived through most of the turmoil that may challeng today’s youth. She’s a self-certified (lol) PHD at loving and living with a focus on “Realism” and self-love! In her spare time you’ll find her creating beautiful music (vocal), surrounding herself with positive creative people, and GIVING ADVICE!
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Need advice? Our resident advice columnist E can answer your questions about relationships - submit a question here! Or for one-on-one information and advice from peer educators, visit www.mysistahs.org (by and for young women of color) or www.youthresource.com (by and for GLBTQ youth)
Just like the earth, in life we all go through seasons. We take displeasure in seeing the sun's kisses slowly dissipate for the frigid chill and shadows of winter, but just keep in mind, winter is essential to keep the balance in nature.
When I said this to a friend of mine (even though she was being cute :) she told me, "It's always summer in Africa". Truth be told, it's not. To the outside looking in, it may appear to always be summer, but yes, even Africa has her cyclic changes as well. It may not bring arctic blast of snow but it does bring additional rainfall and/or colder nights. Again, the change is a necessity.
Always remember just because someone may look like everything’s excellent ("It's summer all the time in Africa"), they also have periods of hardship and trials. It may not be the same thing that ails us, but nevertheless, it’s something that tries the spirit and is important for their growth.
So in conclusion, there's a time and space for all things. A time to laugh, a time to cry, contented times, and distressing ones. But in your hardships stop and listen to the message the universe is conveying. There's always a lesson to be learned - one which will build character and prepare us for what's to come. Accept those times as a necessity.
As we take an inventory of our lives, I’m sure we’ll discover our fair share of winters. Trust me; I could’ve built an igloo from all of mine, LOL. But I now know it was essential in order for me to receive and accept my summers. For how else would I appreciate the bud's hope springing fourth, the Lilies of the Valley in bloom, and sun kisses just for me.
Peace,
E
Need advice? Our resident advice columnist E can answer your questions about relationships - submit a question here! Or for one-on-one information and advice from peer educators, visit www.mysistahs.org (by and for young women of color) or www.youthresource.com (by and for GLBTQ youth)
Dear E,
I’ve been really feeling this guy for sometime now and he seems to be feeling me as well. We flirt with each other often via Facebook and I know the attraction’s there. My problem is that there are a lot of girls that write on his wall on FB and the nature of their relationship seems to be more than just friends. I try to not get jealous because he really isn’t my boyfriend or anything, but I really like him and hope that this will go somewhere. I find myself FB stalking going through the other girls pages trying to find out what type of “friends” they are. I know that sounds crazy but I really like him…. Help, what should I do?
I’ve been really feeling this guy for sometime now and he seems to be feeling me as well. We flirt with each other often via Facebook and I know the attraction’s there. My problem is that there are a lot of girls that write on his wall on FB and the nature of their relationship seems to be more than just friends. I try to not get jealous because he really isn’t my boyfriend or anything, but I really like him and hope that this will go somewhere. I find myself FB stalking going through the other girls pages trying to find out what type of “friends” they are. I know that sounds crazy but I really like him…. Help, what should I do?
Sincerely,
I’m Not a Stalker….
REALLY??!! LOL!!! Okay Dear Heart, first, I need you to step away from the PC…slowly. You are absolutely right! That does sound a trifle bit crazy-ish, but have no fear; I’m ashamed to say, we’ve all been there a time or two. Hey, no judging allowed!
Question, have you ever communicated your feelings to this guy or do you just “poke” him to death hoping he’ll catch on? Does he even know that the subtle cyber flirtation between you two is wreaking havoc on rationality? Let him know how you feel…minus the FB stalker part! As a matter of fact, never and I mean NEVER let on that you’ve even noticed the other girls. PLEASE… After you’ve stated your feelings play it cool and see what develops from there. There are no guarantees with these sorts of things so that’s the only advice I can offer about that.
I’m not sure if you know this guy outside of FB but I suggest again…step away from the computer. Either hang out with him in person or find a “real guy” to flirt with. One thing to keep in mind though: as E’s own personal rule of thumb, it’s never a good idea to have someone you’re seeing as your FB friend. It tends to just get too messy at times…
Good luck and I hope this helps.
PS: STAY OFF OF HIS FRIEND’S PAGES!!! =)
Peace,
E
This question recently appeared in a blog, so I'm taking it on! But don't forget to send me your questions, too!
Is it right for a mother to hide her daughter from the world? Is it okay for a daughter to close her mother out?
I know a person girl who has no control over her own life. She is becoming a wreck because her mother refuses to let her go and explore the world. So does this make it wrong for my friend to sneak around? She is having sex and is falling into a depression. Some may think she is out of control but that's not the case. She is 17 and can't even go to the movies by herself or with friends because her mother is in fear of her being like her sister. Is that right? I thought she was her own person with her own choices and mistakes.
Ahh, the overbearing parent… This is common amongst parents who may have had an older child go astray. But, just as one tries to hold tightly to a wet bar of soap, it tends to slip out of your grasp every time. This is the case with your friend.
Although it’s not fair that she’s being punished for her sister’s mistakes, life is only 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.
Dear E.,
Can you be gay or bi and still say you’re a good Christian?
Can you be gay or bi and still say you’re a good Christian?
Queerly Confused…
Dear Queerly Confused,
Hmm… This question has caused wars among some people. Well let’s just start by giving my disclaimer: I’m a queer Christian and everything that I say from this point will be based on the Bible and my personal spiritual experiences.
Okay, now that‘s out of the way let us continue… Can you be gay or bi and still say you’re a good Christian?? Well let us pose this question, “What really is a good Christian?” (cue the organ) One who goes to church everyday blessed day? One who pays his/her 10 percent for a one way ticket to Heaven? Hallelujah!!!
If you look at the teachings of Christ they’re all about love and forgiveness, mercy and grace. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, and who ever shall believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life”. The whole purpose of Christ is to save us from our sins because guess what, we were born into sin, sinned back then and are still sinning right now. And when I say “we” I mean everybody on God’s green earth. If we could save ourselves we wouldn’t need him…
Simply put, John 4:24 says that we are to worship him in spirit and truth and the truth is God is love. He loves us unconditionally just the way we are. In my experience whatever he wants changed he’ll change it in his own time. So back to your question, yes I absolutely believe that you can be a stupendous Christian while loving whom ever your chose. Your personal walk with Christ has nothing to do with anyone else except the two of you. You keep believing and tell who ever has a problem with it, “He who is without sin cast the first stone."
Peace and God Love,
Help! I am writing to see if you have advice for someone who loves his boyfriend but doesn't have a lot of money to spend on romance. I have been seeing someone great for about 5 months now, and while we get along really well, he's six years younger than I am, and I think he may be used to a better standard of living and dating in his past relationships. The problem is that I'm a student and trying - especially in these days - to stay out of debt. How can I be romantic without spending a lot of money on eating and going out?
Signed, an aspiring recessionistaDear Aspiring Recessionista,
There is a song that says “Love don’t cost a thing”. This speaks volumes in your case… It’s time for “YOU ALL” not just you, to get creative.
There is a song that says “Love don’t cost a thing”. This speaks volumes in your case… It’s time for “YOU ALL” not just you, to get creative.
There are tons of free things you guys can do to get your romance on such as:
· Making a playlist of your boyfriends favorite songs
· Have a romantic picnic in the park or beach
· Go to an art museum
· Read to each other
· Have romantic game nights by candlelight or romantic scavenger hunts
· Serve him breakfast in bed
· Create Love Coupons promising romantic favors
The list goes on and on. You just have to use your imagination.
Now, let’s dig a tad bit deeper (you know me) because I see something that causes concern… Now, you’ve mentioned that your boyfriend was 6 years younger than you are… Is this causing you to feel pressured into playing the Suga Momma/Daddy role? Just asking… If it is, trust me, leave that to Beyonce.
Never allow anyone to make you feel insecure. Period. The whole thing of “the standards” of what he’s used to is WACK! He chose you for you. Your relationship should only be based on the two of you as people... Nothing added, nothing taking away. You two are the only constant in this thing because in life circumstances change constantly. You will always be you.
If he can’t appreciate that you’re building a future at the present moment… exit stage left, thank you! Relationships are about give and take and compromise. He must meet you half way. Trust me if his feelings are genuine, nothing else matters. He’ll love you on Park Ave. just as well as he would in a regular ol park.
Dear E—
I am a twenty year old waitress and fine arts student. My boyfriend and I recently started having sex together. Prior to starting we talked about my getting the HPV vaccine. I know that I should but I’m afraid to ask my mom. She doesn’t think that I am having sex (She’d freak!). If I use my medical insurance to get the vaccine, she will know (She pays for the policy!). What should I do? I’ve heard the vaccine is expensive!
Signed,
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed:
You are a young woman of 20. At this point you and only you are responsible for your health. We’ve all been there. The anxiety of your parents finding out that their baby isn’t a baby anymore… I know I know, it’s cute, but let’s face facts…you’re not a baby anymore.
If your only concern is that your mom will find out that you’re having sex, my advice is to get over it just as she will (eventually) and take care of yourself. Use your insurance and get the vaccine. After all, getting it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re having sex. It just means that you’re taking responsibility for yourself just incase you do. If I was your mom I would be very proud that my daughter is so responsible...
On another more serious note, what concerns me is that it seems you and your mom haven’t established a very open parent-child communication. In any relationship good communication is imperative for its survival. Just as you’re being responsible for your physical health you should be responsible for your emotional health as well. Talk to your mom. Have a very open and honest conversation with her about what’s going on with you. She may at first be uncomfortable, but ultimately (ideally) she should embrace the idea of you wanting to have a positive and honest relationship with her (if that is your desire). For tips on initiating the conversation, visit the Advocates for Youth website Parent-child Communication section http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/parentchild.htm
If this all is causing you to have a massive migraine and you just can’t handle disclosing your sexual activity with your mom, you can always save up and pay for it your self…
Good luck and continue to take care of you,
E
Hi E,
I'm writing because I hope you can help settle a bet between me and my best friend. She says that it's okay to forgive cheating in a relationship once (but not twice), and I say cheating is never ok. What do you think?
Signed,
No tolerance for the roving eye.
Dear No tolerance for the roving eye,
Hey, I’m with you on this one! My motto is if they cheated once, it’s just a matter of time before they do it again. From my experiences I’m a firm believer that you have to teach people how to treat you. The person who’s doing the cheating has been taught that cheating is an acceptable behavior. For example:
- Johnny cheats on Sally.
- Sally catches Johnny.
- Johnny gives Sally a very lame excuse about his actions (more times than naught this excuse will be a lie)
- Sally forgives Johnny.
- Johnny then wipes the sweat from his brow takes a deep breath and thinks, “Hey, that was easy”.
Thus the pattern continues… Now, if Sally would have been one of us in this situation, it would’ve went down a bit differently... For example:
- Johnny cheats on Sally.
- Sally catches Johnny.
- Johnny attempts to give Sally a lame excuse for his unscrupulous behavior (again, this more times than naught will be a lie)
- Sally cuts Johnny off mid excuse channeling her inner “Pink” with a rebuttal consisting of venom laced with all Johnny’s flaws and quirks that she’s been holding in making Johnny come to the realization that Sally is the prize in the relationship, concluding her speech with a firm “Go #*&! Yourself”!!
- Johnny then realizes that Sally was the best thing since sliced bread in his life and attempts to win Sally back, but Sally is too busy with the next Hottie to notice… HA!!
- Johnny then takes a blood oath by the Power of Greyskull to never cheat again… (Well, I’m reaching a bit here but you see where I’m going with this…)
If you make it easy for someone to mistreat you, they will continue to do so. I know someone is thinking I’m being a bit harsh, but when you think about it realistically it makes perfect sense. You can romanticize that whole “love will conquer all” bit, but ask yourself a question. “How do I treat the things in which I love and like”? Your favorite article of clothing, you make sure that you wash it on the perfect cycle or even take it to the cleaners to ensure its longevity in your life. Your laptop, your cell phone, your pet, I’m talking about things really mean a lot to you. You take care to ensure their safety. If someone loves you or even strongly likes you, they take special care not HURT you! But to each its own… Hey, some people like pain…
So to answer your question, I don’t believe anyone can really claim that they’ve won the bet (ah-chYOU) *I must be coming down with something*… It’s just one of those things that has to be personalized for each individual. It all depends on the amount of B.S. one is willing to endure to claim a significant other…
Peace You,
E
Hey E,
First let me just say that my boyfriend and I are totally in love. We started dating about a year ago and things have been going well. The problems started when he obtained a job 3,000 miles away from where we live. He asked if I would go with him but I didn’t feel that packing up my life and leaving everything behind for a man who isn’t my husband was wise. He presented me a ring a couple of weeks after our conversation but I felt like it was rushed. We came up with a plan to continue our relationship long distance while I thought about the idea of moving out of state with him.
It’s been 4 months and things seemed to be going well. He flies me out to see him once sometimes twice a month and we are in constant communication. Once again he’s begun questioning me about moving with him. I finally came and told him that I didn’t think want to leave my life behind because I’ve just started getting my career going. He told me that he needed time to think about was our relationship worth the investment.
I’m totally pissed and this point I’m ready to walk away. He’s constantly questioning my love and commitment for him and my thinking is… he just wants out. What do you think?
Thanks,
Loving Me
Loving Me… I know that’s right! I always said everything great in life starts first with self-love. Well first things first, your feelings are valid. You should always make sure that your life is in order first before trailblazing across the good ol US of A to play house.
The problem here though is… he seems to really love and want you. You said you wanted a ring, he brought a ring; you wanted time, he gave you time. I don’t think that he necessarily wants an out, but everyone has their breaking point. At the end of the day we must all look out for own best interest.
I believe he’s feeling insecure about the relationship… maybe even frustrated. As women we fail to realize that men have feelings just as we do and sometimes they feel venerable about things. He’s done everything that you’ve requested without getting any of his wants and needs met.
No one is in the wrong here. I think it’s time that you two thought about where the relationship is going realistically. Although it would be extremely romantic if you’d run off and jump in to his arms and live happily ever after, in the real world this just isn’t the case. He’s already established his career, you’re just starting yours. I hate to say this but without both parties making a HUGE compromise the relationship is DOOMED! You have to be the judge of if it’s really worth it…
I think you both need to let one another off the hook and hopefully fate will bring you two back together when the time is right.
Keep loving yourself sweetie.
Peace,
E
Hi E.,
My significant other and I have been together for about 6 months. He’s the perfect boyfriend and we don’t have any problems outside of normal relationship tiffs. Here’s the thing, when we got together my ex and I had just broke up over something really petty and we never really closed things. The more I’m with my new boyfriend the more I realize that I’m still in love with my ex. I can’t bring myself to tell him because he’s been great to me and I don’t want to hurt him.
My significant other and I have been together for about 6 months. He’s the perfect boyfriend and we don’t have any problems outside of normal relationship tiffs. Here’s the thing, when we got together my ex and I had just broke up over something really petty and we never really closed things. The more I’m with my new boyfriend the more I realize that I’m still in love with my ex. I can’t bring myself to tell him because he’s been great to me and I don’t want to hurt him.
Unfaithful Heart.
Aww… Unfaithful Heart I’ve been there. This is a tough situation because like you said, your new guy has been awesome to you.
You said that you and your ex broke up for something petty. Petty could mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Ultimately it was something worth you two parting ways for. Going backwards may not be such a good idea. But I know, the heart wants what the heart wants. Yada, yada, yada….
Well, one thing is for sure, you have to be upfront and honest with your new beau. It’ll hurt him a little but I’m sure it would hurt even more if he finds out from someone else that you’ve been half heartedly in a relationship with him. Honesty is always the best policy.
What I like to do when faced with a relationship challenges is to put myself in the other person’s shoes and see things from their point of view. I’ve found that if I truly treat people the way I want to be treated my character is kept in check.
A word of advice though. My motto for ex lovers, “Ex means move to the next”. Honey, change is good. I hope everything works out for you.
Peace & Love
E
*****Remember, email your questions to OMGWithE@gmail.com! ****
*****Remember, email your questions to OMGWithE@gmail.com! ****
Don't forget to send me your questions at OMGWithE@gmail.com!
Hi E.,
Hi E.,
I live in DC and I’m 20 y/o. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and I think he’s cheating on me. I’ve never had evidence to prove this but there are certain things about his behavior that leads me to believe that he is not being faithful to me. We are trying to have a baby, but I want to know for sure if he’s faithful before proceeding…
Signed, Unsure in DC
Signed, Unsure in DC
Unsure -
Okay! I’ll tell you like my Granny told me, if you think your mate is cheating, 9 times out of 10 HE IS… I don’t know exactly what he’s doing to make you feel this way but it’s always smart to follow your intuition.
What concerns me is that you guys are trying to have a baby which means you are having UNPROTECTED SEX (nooooooo!!!). First things first, the baby can wait. You have your whole ahead of you. Live your life to the fullest. Gather experiences and inspirations to past down to your children. Think this through fully. Wait a little while; your child will thank you for it.
And listen, always, I mean ALWAYS practice safer sex. Questions… If you’re not sure that this guy is being faithful to you, uh, why are you sleeping with him without protection?!? You’re putting yourself at risk for contracting an STI and/or HIV. In your area every 1 out of 20 people are HIV Postitive. This is a very serious situation.
Here’s what I want you to: For starters, go to your doctor and get tested for HIV and any other STI’s. If you feel uncomfortable doing this at your regular Primary Care Physician, contact your local Department of Health for resources to clinics where you can go and have this done. Most of the clinics are free. (Yay!).
Secondly, if you don’t trust this guy, “Can Him”! Move on to someone that you can trust. If you choose not to do this, promise me you’ll stop sleeping with him without protection at once. If he loves you, he’ll understand. If you love yourself, his decision won’t affect yours. Self-love is vital for our survival.
Make wise choices,
E.
The closet is for shoes, not boyfriends
My boyfriend is still closeted even though he promised me he would come out a year ago. What should I do?
My boyfriend is still closeted even though he promised me he would come out a year ago. What should I do?
Hmm… The age old dilemma… Well, for starters I commend you for your courageousness in disclosing your sexuality; unfortunately not all of us are so bold. Certain circumstances may prohibit your boyfriend from coming out. It could be a safety issue or simply he doesn’t have the courage. Whatever the case may be, those are his issues and not your own.
Have you ever had an OMG moment??? We all do. You know those times when life throws you a curve ball and brings you to a screeching halt! Those times you ponder, “Hmmm, what ever should I do?” Well OMG!! You’ve come to the right place.
Hey, I’m E. If ever you’re in need of advice, resources, or just feel like throwing a fit about something totally random, please spill right here! I promise to always be real with you about any and everything…
So let’s see how far the OMG meter climbs from your experiences okay. Dig deep because like I always say, “The key to deliverance is self discovery”.
Send me your questions at OMGWithE@gmail.com. Don't be shy! I'm here to provide advice, sympathy, good sense, tough love, or just a listening ear.
Be Peace & Love and don't forget to email me,
E
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