Why did i cry when he told me he was gay? This is the question that i have been pondering ever since a very good friend of mine said yes when i asked him if he were gay. I have never in a million years dreamt that this would have been my reaction to anyone affirming this sexual orientation but last night, not only did i cry but i was awashed with sadness, grief, nausea and i felt depressed even.

Why was this though? At best i think that i'm one of the most tolerant individuals a gay person could find in this largely homophobic Jamaican society.  Granted, i have never knowingly had a gay friend before so the experience is a new one. But why is it  that my impulse reaction is a defensive one? Why was i so confused about how to treat the situation? Why was i even forced to reconsider my stance on the issue of whether it is ok, even in the sight of God, to be gay?

Talking to my daddy about it never helped matters. He inadvertently chided me for associating with 'people like those' and strongly feels that my friend should be shot. He was echoing a sentiment that resonates throughout the Jamaican populace as it relates to the perceived "punishment" for being gay. This friend is an awesome person...he is bright, ambitious, hardworking and i literally look up to him and try to emulate his attitude towards work and achieving the most in life. Would i really want this fate to be meted out on him? No.

My mind then went back to a conversation i had with my boyfriend earlier.  He detests gay people as well and at the time when we spoke, i understood why. He's so cute he sometimes looks pretty. He's disgruntled because gay men are always making advances at him and the mere thought disgusts him. He likes his hair long, i'd like his hair to be long too...but he's had to always wear his hair low because walking around with long hair only exacerbates the situation.

As i write this blog, i'm beginning to garner some clarity on this question of why i cried. I cried because i would not want my friend to be harrassed or even killed for being gay. At the same time, I cried because i would never want  my brother or boyfriend to be harrassed by gay men or to be forced to give up doing the things they love just so that they can avert drawing any attention to themselves. I cried because i am in the midst of this debacle without any idea of what i am going to do, when i have to make a decision among the people i care about.

I can imagine the agony that persons caught in a similar quandary are having to endure. I think i might even have to seek counselling. Do i really have to make a decision?.....the confusion lingers.