Gather around, gather around. I have to tell you about the important lessons I learned today. And, to my surprise, it didn’t come from my religions class, or my economics class, or even my history class…todays important lesson came from the pit preacher at UNC! Now sit back and listen closely, what I am about to say may very well change your life.

Lesson #1: Masturbation is the beginning of homosexuality.

I’ll give you a minute to re-read and to try and process that.

........

Okay, times up. Now let me explain. God sees you when you grab that Playboy Magazine and make your way to the bathroom hoping that your roommate doesn’t hear you. He knows your thoughts and your actions and he makes sure to avert his eyes because he is displeased. Masturbation is the beginning of homosexuality because when you think about it, it involves a guy holding a penis. Even though it is his penis, it is still a penis. This in turn allows for the idea of holding another man’s penis to formulate and in the end brings about homosexuality. This is all as a result of masturbation and that is why UNC turns out more homosexuals than PHDs.

Lesson #2: Women that are age 18, 19, or 20 should be getting married.

I think you might need time to let that one sink in as well.

........

Have you figured out the logic behind that one yet? Well here it goes. By the ages of 18-20 ladies are at their prime for making babies. After all, that is what God created you for- to make babies. You are a baby-making machine. After sexual intercourse, the sperm makes contact with the egg and conception begins. The zygote then moves into the womb where the baby continues to form. What do you think you have breasts for? They aren’t for the many things that you use them for but it is for feeding your child. Women are baby-making machines and should be married by the ages of 18-20 to do what God made you for.

Lesson #3: The correct order of things is as follows: you get married, and then you have kids

........

Okay get ready for this one. You should not have sex before you are married. You are supposed to get married and then become a mother or get married and then become a father. It should never be the other way around. Ladies, if you are already giving up the milk, they will never by the cow. That is why guys get married. It is for the sex. You do not need to have sex before you get married to avoid the possible chance of your wife not being good in bed. If you are truly man enough you will teach her how to be good in bed.

........

Needless to say today provided a load of controversy. I don’t know where I would be in life if I didn’t stop to listen to the pit preacher!