I’ve been fat all my life. Add to that my height (6 ft), my fierce hair, and my love of fashion and makeup and I’m basically a Glamazon. As many of you may already be aware, being a large woman of Color living in the US and the daughter of working-class immigrant parents was/is difficult. Everything from anti-immigration rhetoric, racism, sexism, classism, elitism, and fatphobia has followed me my entire life, even from within and among family and friends. Somehow, I wish I could pinpoint specifically, regardless of how I was socialized to hate and be ashamed of my body, when I found peace and calm in my body, enjoyed it and how it moved and felt. Yet I enjoyed it in private, shared it with my partners, but I also started to design my own clothing. I didn’t realize it at the time, but making my own clothes was a form of making media. I shared a bit about this in my column debut. In my mid-to-late 20s I began to learn more about the size acceptance movement and the health at any size communities/ideologies. From these spaces I found The Adipositivity Project, a photography series of fat women (some images contain nudity and may not be safe for work). Prior to that I had only seen images via photography by Laura Aguilar, a Mexican lesbian photographer who photographs herself, nude, and in nature. Since I found her I have used her in my classes that focus on women, art and culture.

The Adipositivity Project’s goal is to:

promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen. The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally.

As I looked at images on Adipositivity, I noticed a few things. First, many of the bodies presented were ones I had never seen before aside from my own. It was not until about a decade ago that models of size were seen wearing clothing that may interest me. Often (and even today) the people who are “modeling” clothing that can fit me are often still at least 10 sizes smaller than me (that’s smaller than a size 10) and I could never be sure how something would fit me unless I bought it and tried it on. Through Adipositivity I saw other people with similar bodies to mine that were wearing some clothing that I had always wondered what it would look like on my body. It was like looking in a mirror. The second thing I noticed was that there were many images of people clothed and unclothed. I greatly appreciated this feature because, growing up with hippie parents who did not always wear clothing in our home (which may be one reason why I am so comfortable with nudity today) I loved knowing there were other people who enjoyed being in this state as much as I did. You know the whole “you are not alone” thing really does have an impact. Finally, I noticed there were not many women of Color participating in The Project. This was one of the issues that stood out to me the most and that propelled me to write to photographer Substantia Jones. Although images of bodies similar to mine were present, they were mostly bodies that I racialized as White. I thought it was important for people to see a woman of Color, like myself in the nude and in clothing that she loved. I thought it was also important to have people see how our bodies differ but are no less valuable. For example, I have skin tags, which I’ve inherited from my father and they are all over my body. They give a different shadow on my body that I did not see in the images, and that I needed to see (I went through a time when I was ashamed of them, then I got tattoos around some of them to honor them). I also am darker in certain parts of my body than in others (basically everywhere I bend I’m darker) and that’s normal. I grew up being told I “looked dirty” because of this, but that is the way my body is colored and absorbs sunlight. Because my skin color is different from everyone else in my family, who are racially White, they did not know this was the way my skin was and thus I was targeted. In addition, my stretch marks are differently placed and colored a beautiful iridescent shade that captures light; my body hair (which I don’t often remove) was present and there were no images I saw with hairy body parts. Finally, I wanted to see my body. I wanted others to see my body. I take pride in it. I emailed Substantia and she quickly emailed me back. We set a date for a time in Winter in 2008 in NYC. She told me to pick some outfits that I’d like to wear, some shoes, especially heels if I had any, and asked if I had any tattoos. I had all three and we were both excited for the photo shoot. I brought with me my favorite bathing suit at the time (which I’m wearing in the above foto), opera gloves, an orange shawl my homegirl Jenny had given me as a gift, 3 inch knee high boots, and a few other items that I didn’t really wear. What people may not know is that modeling is hard work! I’ve modeled in the past, but more catalog-type shoots that are not the same level of physical work as my shoot with Substantia was. Holding a pose for a certain amount of time, standing still, waiting for any markings from tight clothing (such as panties and socks) to go away so they don’t show up in the photograph. Plus, remembering to relax your butt makes a big difference in the image but also in your knowledge that you have to breath as you hold the pose. It’s a lot of work. But it was amazingly fun. I was very comfortable with Substantia, and after our first shots with me in my bathing suit I put on my opera gloves and then just my shawl. Most of my images are of me nude and I really have to say that I adore them. Since my photo shoot with her I’ve had six images appear on the site: December 12^th 2008, January 19^th, 2009, April 2, 2009, and September 3, 2009, and my two favorites  --  January 1, 2009, and December 3, 2009. Each time a foto of me is published I usually link to it on my blog  and facebook  account. The reactions from my friends and family have all been very supportive, encouraging, and what I did not expect: comments of thanks. Many of my friends who thanked me were other women of Color who also don’t see themselves represented in ways that The Adipositivity Project offer. However, not all of the comments have been positive. Ironically, people who don’t know me at all and who identify as “feminist” are the harshest critics even other fat women are disappointed. Yet, I know that it is easier to critique someone/thing that is degrees away from us because there really is no risk in losing (or gaining) much. Many of the critiques of The Project is because of Substantia’s use of her art, her camera. Substantia writes:

The photographs here are close details of the fat female form, without the inclusion of faces. One reason for this is to coax observers into imagining they're looking at the fat women in their own lives, ideally then accepting them as having aesthetic appeal which, for better or worse, often translates into more complete forms of acceptance. The women you see in these images are educators, executives, mothers, musicians, professionals, performers, artists, activists, clerks, and writers. They are perhaps even the women you've clucked at on the subway, rolled your eyes at in the market, or joked about with your friends.

This is what they look like with their clothes off.

You see, there is this argument about objectification and omitting our heads from the images (i.e. disembodiment and dehumanizing), and I think this is exactly this approach that Substantia is using to challenge viewers. So many of us have heard the “you have such a pretty face” phrase. Ironically people think this is supposed to help us, find hope in our lives because clearly we can’t be hopeful if we are outside any standard of beauty, or ridged beliefs of “health.” In her approach, Substantia is offering artwork that allows people, including the AdiPosers, to recognize that our entire bodies are beautiful, not just our faces. I’m not going to argue for or against this approach beyond this. It was my choice to pose for Substantia. I knew what I was getting myself into, I support her project, and I support her goals. She asked me if it was all right to include my face in my fotos and I consented, thus you see my face. I am also the daughter of an artist, and one of the most valuable lessons my parents ever taught me was that art, in all its forms, is powerful and valid. Art produces and challenges knowledge, in my opinion. Not all of us enjoys being challenged or are ready to have new forms of knowledge production begin. It takes time. Sometimes it may never happen. When I hear folks critique The Project, I remember the artists whose work I struggle with, the many amazing friends of mine who also struggle with artists (the I’m not alone thing). One specific artist that comes to immediately mind is Kara Walker. Many of my radical women of Color and “womanist”  friends love and hate her art for various reasons and at the same time! There is room for critique and there is room for vision. When people tell me that my participation in The Project is reinforcing objectification of women’s bodies, they take away my agency to make a conscious decision to share my body through art and in ways that are consensual and healing. Who gets to tell me that my healing is wrong? That the ways I choose to heal, that the ways my community heals, is problematic because they disagree with it, I find disappointing. Then there are the critics who believe The Project is promoting obesity or “unhealthy” body images. You can read more about what I think about that thought process (or at least those terms) in the comment I left here. I’m a supporter and lover of the arts. I am a product of art. I am also a media maker and The Adipositivity Project is one of my forms of media. If you are interested in working with The Project I encourage you to email Substantia, and tell her I sent you. I also encourage you to consider purchasing the 2010 calendar or poster. *I do not know if there are intersex or transgender women who participated in The Project, so I am using the term “women” to include people who identify as women regardless of sex assigned at birth.
  **All fotos are copyright of Substantia Jones