I recently finished reading a book called The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden Histories of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, by Ann Fessler. It was astounding. I feel like I learned a lot, and it really opened my eyes to how difficult adoption is for the mothers.

 Just about everyone who lived through this era has a memory of a girl from their  high school, college, or neighborhood who disappeared. If she returned, she most  likely did not come back with her baby but with a story of a sick aunt or an illness  that had kept her out of school. -p. 8

 The girls who went away were told by family members, social service agencies,  and clergy that relinquishing their child for adoption was the only acceptable  option. It would preserve their reputation and save both mother and child from a  lifetime of shame. -p. 9

 The parent’s fears of being ostracized from their community or church ultimately  led them to treat their daughters in precisely the same manner that they feared  their neighbors would treat them. -p. 102

Reading these women’s stories was an emotional experience. It made me realize that there is no difference between the amount and intensity of love that these women have for their children and the love that a mother who raises her own children has for them. Any stereotype to the contrary is false.

 “How can you carry a child for nine months and not bond? It’s not humanly  possibly.”-p. 177

I admit that before reading this book I didn’t really think of these women as mothers. I was wrong. Pregnancy and child birth are experiences that change you. Ask any mother, and they will agree that the first time they held their child was a profound, life-changing experience. Why would it be any different for these mothers? 

 I have heard many people, both men and women, describe the monumental  change that occurred the moment they held their newborn child. … The  circumstances of the pregnancy…were of little consequence once their child was  born. … Yet even today, few seem to perceive that these emotions must also be  present in mothers whose babies will be adopted, whatever the circumstances. -p.  179
 

I have never given birth, but I’ve thought about what it might be like several times (mostly while watching some docu-drama on TLC) and just the thought of the sight of my newborn child astounds me.

Throughout their pregnancies, these girls were made to believe that they didn’t deserve their babies, that they shouldn’t get attached to them, that they would forget all about it after giving birth- and then, when they couldn’t, they were told that there was something wrong with them. It’s shameful, the way these girls were treated.

 “We were not criminals. We’re mothers. The difference was I was not an  authenticated mother. I was an illegal mother. … It’s as if I was an unwilling  accomplice to the kidnapping of my own child. So you have to live with the  trauma of losing your child and then you have to live with the trauma of knowing  you didn’t stop it. How do you do that?”- p. 163

 “I was just at rock bottom, totally hopeless. Instead of me making her break my  goddamn arms to get him, like I should have, I just did it.”- p. 92

A lot of people think that adoption is easy, or at least easier than getting an abortion. They have no idea. Carrying your baby for nine months and then having to give it away because you aren’t ready to raise it?…How is that easy?

 “People have asked me how I got through it, and I say ‘I turned myself into a  stone.’”-p. 103
 

The women could have been saved decades of heartache if abortion had been a legal option for them.

 These women were made to carry the full emotional weight of circumstances that  were the inevitable consequences of a society that denied teenage sexuality, failed  to hold young men equally responsible, withheld sex education and birth control  from unmarried women, allowed few options if pregnancy occurred, and  considered unmarried women unfit to be mothers. -p. 300

This book is an absolute must-read. The personal stories of the women that are shared in the book are guaranteed to pull at your heart. I was so close to crying several times while reading this, which makes me glad that I read it before becoming a mother, because I don’t know how I would have gotten through the stories of these mothers losing their children if I was a mother myself and knew that kind of love.

It’s important that we know these mothers’ stories because if we can’t learn from them, we could fairly easily slip back into a culture that treats women today with the same blatant disrespect. Honestly, we’re already on our way. AsDan recently wrote about, nearly 370 anti-choice bills have already been introduced in state legislatures this year. This isn’t just about abortion or adoption, it’s about choice. It’s about trusting women to make their own reproductive health decisions. It’s about educating women, and men, on sexual and reproductive health issues.

Our grandmothers went through hell because society didn’t trust them with the tools, options, education, and freedom that they desperately needed. Why would we want the same for our daughters?

Again, the title of the book is The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden Histories of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, by Ann Fessler.

~ Samantha