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This is why it bothers me when people say things like, “Instead of having sex, unmarried people should practice some self-control,”: the statement assumes that 1) people have sex not because they really want to, but because they can’t stop themselves, 2) having sex is a weakness that “strong” people do not give in to, and 3) sex before marriage is always a bad choice.
It’s insulting to me when people think that they know better than I do when me having sex with someone at any given time is the right choice or not. Shouldn’t I know better than anyone else when I want to have sex? Shouldn’t that be exclusively my choice?
But what intrigues me is why some people feel that sex is something that weak people can’t control, and therefore make poor decisions about. Why do they feel the need to label people, specifically women, “weak” or “promiscuous” when they have sex before marriage? To answer that, I think we have to look at two big differences between married and unmarried couples.
1) When a couple is married, it is assumed that they will be having sex with only that person.
2) When a couple is not married, it is assumed that when they have sex, they are not trying to get pregnant.
So, if you have sex with someone you’re not married to, they may not be the only person you’ll ever have sex with, and when you’re having sex, it is not for the purpose of procreation. So, then, 1) the man can’t be guaranteed that he gets to keep you, and 2) you don’t necessarily want to have his baby.
So what good is the relationship? Right? No! That is ridiculous logic. It makes unmarried sex seem like a waste of sex, and if you’re having wasteful sex, you must be a wasteful person. But, fitting tactic to objective, it does make sense that if they wanted to allow sex only within marriage, then they would make sex outside of marriage seem as dangerous as possible and make out those who do it as “weak” people with no self control and no self respect/esteem.
Well, I don’t appreciate that. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I definitely have self-respect and my self-esteem is quite healthy. I am not a weak or wasteful person. I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. And when I make decisions about what to do with my body, I do so with intelligence, insight, and self-respect.
I am always going to be the one who controls what I do with my body, so anyone who presumes that they know better, anyone who assumes that my level of control is inappropriate, needs to realize that they are the ones who are crossing a line.
~ Samantha
