I was thinking about marriage the other day, and I realized something- I am pro-divorce. Being pro-divorce does not mean I am anti-marriage. I am in fact pro-marriage. But, if the marriage becomes abusive or otherwise intolerable, I would want a divorce. A safe and legal divorce. (Get where I’m going with this?)

I of course wouldn’t want my life circumstances to lead to me deciding to get a divorce, but if they do, I want to be able to get one. If I feel I need to divorce my husband, I don’t want anyone else to make that decision for me, or to assume that I am incapable of making the decision or that I don’t really realize what a divorce will mean for me. And so, I am pro-divorce because I believe that it can be the right choice. And, even if I was morally or religiously opposed to divorce, I wouldn’t assume that 1) all women felt that way, or 2) that I had any right to make that decision for another woman, or 3) that even though I personally was opposed to it, that there was no possible reason that the decision would be justifiable or beneficial for another woman.

In our current society, making divorce illegal is unthinkable. It must be an option. People (not just women) must be able to decide to leave a relationship, and they must be allowed to do so safely and legally. Think about what it would mean if divorce was illegal. Really, take a minute or two to image what that would be like. There was a time, not too long ago, that divorce was illegal. Do we really even want to consider going back to that time?

Now, replace the word “divorce” with the word “abortion.” See what I mean? I wish that more people understood the significance and necessity of legal abortion. I wish that more people understood that legalizing abortion is as important as legalizing divorce. It’s about freedom and choice, and trusting women to be able to make those choices for themselves.

This is what I’m calling the divorce analogy. I’m not the first to make that connection, I’m sure, but I wanted to share my thoughts here. The analogy goes further, though.

Just like being pro-divorce does not mean that you are anti-marriage, or being pro-choice does not mean that you are anti-pregnancy or anti-baby, being pro-sex does not mean that you are anti-abstinence. Being pro-sex means that you are pro-choosing to have good sex. That important word there isn’t actually “sex”- the important words are “choose” and “good.” That means that you can be pro-sex and, at the same time, choose not to have sex. Whether that means that you choose to wait until you’re married to have sex, or if you’ve had sex before and choose not to have sex with a certain person or at a certain time- it doesn’t mean that you are anti-sex. It just means that you choose to not have sex right now. Being “anti-abstinence” doesn’t make sense. To my understanding, being anti-abstinence means that you are anti-choosing when to have sex. Why would anyone (other than a rapist, I guess) be against that? If you see this in a different way, please explain it to me.

I don’t have any problem with someone who chooses to not have sex. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing to wait until marriage to have sex. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing to have safe sex when you and your partner are ready for it. So, I am pro-abstinence but that does not mean that I am anti-sex.

What I do have a problem with, and what I am against,  is teaching abstinence-only until marriage as part of a sex education class with the message that if you do have sex before marriage you are dirty and have lost something of value. They’re not offering a choice there. They’re not telling you your options. They’re saying there’s only one right way to do things when it comes to sex, and if you don’t do things that way you’re chewed gum.

What it all comes down to is being pro-choice, whether that choice is having sex, getting an abortion, or getting a divorce. All three decisions can be made responsibly by women. You cannot take away a woman’s choice and then blame and shame her for not wanting to do things your way. People must have choices. They must make their own decisions. The best way to ensure that they make healthy, beneficial, wise decisions is that they are educated in what each option entails and what the consequences of each option may be. It’s about education, not dictation.

~ Samantha