I recently finished reading Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape, edited by Jaclyn Friedman (our very own “Yes Means Yes” columnist here at Amplify) and Jessica Valenti (author of another Amplify favorite, The Purity Myth). The book is amazing. You’ve really got to read it. So many of the essays in the book stood out to me, but right now I’d like to focus on an idea talked about in an essay written by Julia Serano called “Why Nice Guys Finish Last.”

I found this quote to be very thought-provoking:

 …I would argue that “nice guys” are generally read as emasculated or effeminized  men in our culture. In a world where calling a man “sensitive” is viewed as a  pejorative, the very act of showing respect for women often disqualifies a male  from being seen as a “real man.” I believe that this is a major reason why many  heterosexual women are not sexually interested in “nice guys.” -p. 238

Isn’t that interesting? And sad?

Heterosexual women always say they want to meet a nice guy who treats them with respect, but then somehow they end up dating some loser jackass who only cares about his own needs. We’ve seen this play out in movies and in real life. Our friends have done it. We’ve done it. Our single moms have done it. One may ask, “Why do guys act that way?” but it may in fact be better to ask, “Why do women allow men to act that way?”

If relationship after relationship finds you with a series of men who act like assholes, you need to ask yourself why you acquaint yourself with these men long enough to call what you have a relationship. You should ask yourself why that great guy that you’ve known forever but only see as a friend hasn’t made it on your “sexually attracted to” list. Why are the rude, moody, aggressive guys so appealing? Why are the nice, respectful, understanding guys so unappealing? Why is your idea of a “real man” not so nice of a guy?

Here’s another quote from “Why Nice Guys Finish Last”:

So long as heterosexual women are attracted to men who act like aggressors, and heterosexual men are attracted to women who act like objects, people will continue to fulfill those roles. -p. 237

If the men you chose to date as a heterosexual women (or gay man for that matter) are assholes, what do you think that nice guy who’s totally into you will think he has to do just to get you to notice him? If the only guys who seem to excite you are the ones who are emotionally unavailable and/or physically domineering, why would the sensitive, physically unthreatening guy even bother with you? What good is it to say that you want a “nice guy” when all you accept as attractive are “bad boys?”

One more quote:

Lots of women…want to create a world in which women are allowed and encouraged to be sexual without having to be nonconsensually sexualized. […] I would argue that for this to happen, we will also have to work to simultaneously  ensure that men can be respectful of women without being desexualized. -p. 239
(Emphasis is the author’s.)

If what we really want is a “nice guy“, then we cannot allow ourselves to continue to date “bad boys.” Dating and/or having sex with “bad boys” sends a message to the “nice guys” that in order for us to be interested in them, they have to treat us badly. And why the heck would we want to send that message? If we keep lowering the bar on what kinds of behavior are acceptable in relationships, why would our partners have any incentive to raise it? We’re already in a relationship with them. If we let people use us; if we put ourselves in a position to be used, people will take advantage of that. But if we demand to be respectfully treated as equals, our partners will do so (and anyone who doesn’t won’t make it to a partner- status anyway).

Nice guys don’t finish last because they’re weaker. The only reason “nice guys finish last” is because we give the “bad boys” an unfair advantage. By accepting their behavior, we make it easy for them to abuse us. If certain behaviors become truly unacceptable in relationships, they will be discontinued because they no longer offer any advantage. If that guy you’ve been obsessing about hasn’t called you for a week- forget about him! Don’t allow him to be “mysterious.” Allow yourself to see that he’s not interested and find a guy who is! If what you want is a guy who’ll call you when he says he will (a “nice guy“), why would you accept someone who does the opposite (a “bad boy“)?

Let’s get smart about this. It’s about time that we realized that real men are nice guys.

~ Samantha