I was sitting in the car earlier this week with a friend of mine and somehow, over the course of a long and random conversation, we ended up on the topic of sex. Now my friend is recently out of a long relationship with the only guy she'd ever had sex with - we were taking about her dating life and whatnot when she made a comment that concerned me - she said she was relieved to be out of the relationship because sex hurts and now she doesn't "have to" do it anymore. When I tried to get to the bottom of why it hurt she shrugged it off telling me that it "didn't matter" and very quickly changed the topic.

The conversation was over in a few minutes, but it stayed with me much longer and, finally, prompted me to make this post because I feel that her attitudes towards sex are reflective of a much larger problem in our society - one that effects women and men.

This comment, made by an MRA in reference to the George Sodoni shootings, quite eerily represents a common attitude in our society: "A decent looking man who earns a good living and does not abuse women DESERVES to get laid. Period."  While I don't believe that most men and women in society believe that "getting laid" is an inalienable right, the idea that all men want to have sex and should have sex is one that is widely accepted. Compare this to the common feminine trope - women don't enjoy or want sex and, in fact, need to be charmed or even coerced into having sex.

Although my sex-ed experiences were hardly "middle of the road" (since they happened at a Catholic school that believed very strongly in abstinence, abstinence and more abstinence) most of the women I know seem to have been taught a similar lesson, even the ones who went to public school. That lesson being: all men want sex at all times, no matter what, and cannot control their urges, it is the woman's job to protect her purity by saying no. I hate this kind of gender essentialism; the idea that all men and all women share anything  universally in common is ridiculous! Some people have high sex drives, some people have low sex drives and it's got nothing to do with their genitalia.

It's these thoughts that make women feel as if their natural desires are some kind of flaw, something that needs to be squelched and denied. It is this kind of thought process that makes women vulnerable as many do not feel comfortable expressing a desire to have sex and, thus, are too afraid to seek information about safe sex and the supplies needed to have safe sex. It's the kind of thoughts that lead to women who could have fulfilling and enjoyable sex, instead, suffering through painful sex out of a feeling of obligation to their partners - all because they don't feel entitled to the information that would take away the pain. Sex should feel good and make both partners happy, this isn't a radical thought, but it is one that is not supported by a culture that claims men enjoy sex and women just put up with it.

Another place where we see this muting of desire take place is with food. Jezebel recently published a link to an article than illustrates this idea very well:

"Women eating in groups of women tend to increase the calorie values of the food they choose," says Meredith E. Young, PhD, a psychologist and an assistant professor in the Center for Medical Education at McGill University in Montreal, who led the study.

For the men, Young found a different story. Neither the number of dining companions nor the group's gender makeup seemed to make a difference in how much the men ate."

Women who eat in smaller groups of women friends, she found, eat somewhat less, and those who eat a meal with a man eat even less."

This doesn't just happen with food and sex though, it's everywhere. Women who are loud and passionate are domineering or bitches, while men are simply assertive. Women who grunt and act aggressive in sports (I'm thinking of the tennis debates) are savage and uncouth while men who do the same are simply being manly and aggressive. The double standard exists all over, holding many women back from achieving their true potential.

Furthermore this dichotomy of desire can be bad for men too as men who are not naturally aggressive or sexual are often looked down upon as weak - I'm afraid this is a topic for another post, however; and one I wouldn't be able to write nearly as well since my vagina has kept me from experiencing that particular form of social pressure.

After starting this post I took a break and went to the movie theater to see Julia & Julie* - a movie that combines Julia Child's story with the story of a woman who cooked her way through Julia's cookbook in just a year. I had never taken much interest in Julia Child before this but, during the movie I found myself falling in love with her (or at least Meryl Streep's portrayal of her.) Julia Child was a big, loud woman who never apologized for who she was or what she wanted. She loved food, cooking, her husband, and sex with unrestrained passion. She changed the face of cooking today and is a fantastic role model for women wanting to be taken seriously in a male field. She captivated many with her larger-than-life exuberance. In short, she became famous and adored, simply for being herself.

Many cultures push women to deny their own desires in order to appear sufficiently "feminine." While "masculine" men are expected to have large appetites - both in sex and in food - "feminine" women are encouraged to diet and abstain. As young women one of the most subversive things we can do is to live our lives like Julia did - being honest about our appetites and passion, treating our desires with respect. In short, there is nothing wrong with wanting sex or eating whatever it is "ladies" don't eat or acting in a way that is not "feminine" - treat your body with respect, take good care of it, don't worry about what other people think of you, and I promise you'll be just fine in the end.

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* I totally recommend this movie, if only for the scenes with Julia Child who's attitudes concerning food and her body are just fantastic - the confidence that Streep-as-Child exuded in this movie was honestly awe-inspiring.