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I was 12 when I first began to realise that I saw girls the way a boy would see girls. I had no idea hwy I saw them this way, I just knew that it wasn't what 'normal' people felt like. I was terrifeid to tel lanyone about it. I thought somethng was wrong with me. I beleived with my whole heart and soul that there was something wrong with me. When I was tweleve, I tried to kill myself.
I got really depressed one night, thinking about everything. How my mother was an alcholic, how I had no one to turn to. I was a shy kid, so I had no really close friends to confide in, I had no family that wasn't wraped up in their own world. I had no one but myself. Because I had no one to talk to, I had no one to tell me it was ok. I only heard people using homophobic slurs in the hallways.
I walked to the bathroom in a daze, slit my wrists, took 100 advil pills, a nd a bunch of my mother anti depressents. I dont remeber mcuh of what happned after that. I know that someone took me to the hospital, because that's where I woke up. I woke up to the beeping of a hear moniter and the blinding white light that all hospitals seem to have. I was in the emergency room. I had three IVs in, I had the heart moniter, I had a catheder, and multiple other wires and moniters connected me.
A nurse walked in, followed by a bunch of other people. they stood over me and talked about me as if I wasnt there. As if I wasn't in the room, like i didn't matter. Eventually when they got around to awcknowladging the fact that I was there and I had to to get an evaluation by a pshc guy. It was, to say the least, interesting.
I 'm 15 now, and I came out last year (you can read about it in one of my other posts) and I am fine now. I have friends, and most of my family loves me. at least to some extent. I have an ok life. I get good grades, I live with my father, I have a dog, etc.
I'm writing this to let all of you know that you arn't alone. That there is hope for ever one, no matter how barren the situation may seem. I was living with an alcholic mother, and being sexual abused, all while questioning who the hell I was. And yet, I turned out to be fine. Im normal. Im eccentric. I have friends. I have loved ones. I am living.
there is hope.
I think part of being a teenager is feeling a sort of desperation and sadness when we don't know who we are. I am 17, and have certainly felt sometimes that I have no idea who the hell I am and that I don't know what I want to do in life, who I want to be friends with, etc. It is a very common struggle, and it has been so upsetting and traumatic for me in the past. I have grown to accept myself more and understand myself more, and I am nowhere near close to finishing that process.
I can't imagine how much bravery it must take to come out to friends and family at 15, as a straight person I have never had to deal with this. And to have it not go so well must be even more traumatic. It sounds like you have come a really long way and have started to build a life for yourself you are proud of, and thats awesome :) Please continue to share your experiences, learn about who you are, and keep being an amazing person.
Thanks so much for your blog posts. It sounds like you have gone through a lot. Blogging about these experiences can be helpful both for you and for others that have similar things going on in their lives.
I wanted to make sure that you had a few resources in case you ever wanted to "speak" with someone off-line. Amplify has a section of the website called YouthResource. (www.YouthResource.com) The section has been created by and for LGBT youth and their allies. There are trained peer educators on Youth Resource that have gone through many of the same experiences that you describe. They are available to you if you would like to email any of them. Click the following link to read their bios and to contact one of them. http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/main.cfm?actionid=globalShowStaticContent&screenKey=cmpCampaignShow&campaign=youthresource&htmlUid=636da615-5a3b-45f1-9ea8-881563303512&s=amplify
Youth Resource also has a lot of stories and articles you can read from other young people who have recently come out. There are also links to resources that you may find helpful.
I think you are a very strong and smart young woman. Hang in there.
I really hope that you continue to blog about your life, your experiences, and most of all your hope. You're really doing your part to help others, so again, thank you.