I 'came out' last year and I have to say it was a complete disaster. So it started with me dating a girl, one of my friends who had already come out, and we were head over heels for each other. Only my close friends knew about it and they were sooo happy for us because we ourselves were so happy, but we had to hide it from the rest of the world because my parents are religious freaks and would have murdered me. Well that lasted for about two months (pretty impressive in my eyes) and then at one of the school basket ball games my sister found out. Kaitie, one of the few who knew about our secret, came running up to me and told me my sister was in the cafeteria yelling and freaking out about how her sister was a freaking lesbian and what not. Brianna (my sister) and I got into a huge fight and I ended up telling my dad and my step mom. Needless to say they were shocked beyond belief. My dad launched in to a lecture about how god would do stuff in my life and forgive me of my sin etc etc. They laid down a bunch of ne w rules for me and i was sitting there thinking 'how different is if i like a girl? Really hwo can you be so narrow minded?' well it turns out it wasn't just them.
The next day at school i had people giving my sideways looks and whispering behind my back. Later that day Kaitie told me that she had heard Ashtyn and Maria talking about how Moriah (my girlfriend) had tainted me and forced me to turn gay. I walked through the whole day with my head down and my hair covering my eyes because i was afraid what they would say and how they would look at me. I was ashamed of what I was.
Moriah had already dealt with al this before, so she was there to comfort me and to say that they would eventually get over it. They did, get over it tat is, but to this day i still here people whispering behid my back.
I hate how something that made me so happy, made people hate me and dispise me. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I despratly want to die, to let it all go and not have to deal with everything anymore. I have had notes stuck in my locker, I have had feet mysteriously trip me, I have heard the words 'faggot' and 'dyke' and the same sentence as my own name. Sometimes it gets to be to much. Moriah broke up with me about three months after I publicly came out, leaving me there to deal with everything myself. I can tell, it wasnt very easy to do. I found myself turning to people whom I never would have expected to turn to : Gabe an extremly tough looking guy who used to scare the shit out of me by me just looking at him but he is really the sweetest guy in the world, Becca someone I really didn't know that wel until the end of the year....people were popping up to support me as often as someone would pop up to hate me.
I do know what it's like to be hated for something that you can't help. I know what it's like to want to die. I know what it's like to want to get so drunk that you never have to think again. I know what it's like to have your heart broken by your first true love (for that is what she was to me even if it wasn't what I was to her) . I know what it's like to want to feel controlled pain, to get rid of the rest of it. I know what it's like to wonder if you died, would anyone besides you family show up? Would they evn care? But I also know that I have friends who love, care and cherish me and are always there when I need them. I guess thats a good thing that came out of all this.