I was 12 when I first began to realise that I saw girls the way a boy would see girls. I had no idea hwy I saw them this way, I just knew that it wasn't what 'normal' people felt like. I was terrifeid to tel lanyone about it. I thought somethng was wrong with me. I beleived with my whole heart and soul that there was something wrong with me. When I was tweleve, I tried to kill myself.
I got really depressed one night, thinking about everything. How my mother was an alcholic, how I had no one to turn to. I was a shy kid, so I had no really close friends to confide in, I had no family that wasn't wraped up in their own world. I had no one but myself. Because I had no one to talk to, I had no one to tell me it was ok. I only heard people using homophobic slurs in the hallways.
I walked to the bathroom in a daze, slit my wrists, took 100 advil pills, a nd a bunch of my mother anti depressents. I dont remeber mcuh of what happned after that. I know that someone took me to the hospital, because that's where I woke up. I woke up to the beeping of a hear moniter and the blinding white light that all hospitals seem to have. I was in the emergency room. I had three IVs in, I had the heart moniter, I had a catheder, and multiple other wires and moniters connected me.
A nurse walked in, followed by a bunch of other people. they stood over me and talked about me as if I wasnt there. As if I wasn't in the room, like i didn't matter. Eventually when they got around to awcknowladging the fact that I was there and I had to to get an evaluation by a pshc guy. It was, to say the least, interesting.
I 'm 15 now, and I came out last year (you can read about it in one of my other posts) and I am fine now. I have friends, and most of my family loves me. at least to some extent. I have an ok life. I get good grades, I live with my father, I have a dog, etc.
I'm writing this to let all of you know that you arn't alone. That there is hope for ever one, no matter how barren the situation may seem. I was living with an alcholic mother, and being sexual abused, all while questioning who the hell I was. And yet, I turned out to be fine. Im normal. Im eccentric. I have friends. I have loved ones. I am living.
there is hope.

My parents are really religous, and I’m not sure whta to do about it. I mean I know I can’t change them, just as they can’t change me. But I can’t help but wonder if there’s SOMETHING, anything that I can do. My parents (step mom and bilogical father) go to church twice a week (wendsdays and sundays) and twice on sudays. I think thi sis fine, it doesn’t bother me. What does bother me however is when I walk into the house and hear my father listening to some pastor talking on the television or the raidio about how same sex marriage is wonrg, how all the homosexuals were going to go to hell. How we are wrong, immoral, disgusting etc. I know I should be all self righous and say it doesnt bother me because I know ho I am and that’s all that matters. But I honestly can’t ay that.
I’m fifteen, I don’t know who I am. I’m not confident about myself whatso ever. I think my chest is to big, my feet are to big, my hair is to short, and that I talk to much. I’m not sure about anything abotu myself. It hurts to see that the thing my parents put their hearts and their souls in is utterly against who I am as a human being. It’s not like they openly oppose me or anything, but I can tell that they dont like that part of who I am.
I know I can whine and complain about how horrible my life is, how nothing is right, and blah blah blah, but I know I have it alot better then most people. I know that I don’t have a righ tto complain abotu anything. I know that. I just wish I knew how to fix...this.
I doubt myself someitmes. At night when I’m all alone with my own thoughts my mind wonders and I think abotu wheather I’m actually wonrg. What I really am going to go to hell becuase I like girls? What if I am misguided? What if I am wrong?
i don’t know. I don’t know about anything to be honest.

I 'came out' last year and I have to say it was a complete disaster. So it started with me dating a girl, one of my friends who had already come out, and we were head over heels for each other. Only my close friends knew about it and they were sooo happy for us because we ourselves were so happy, but we had to hide it from the rest of the world because my parents are religious freaks and would have murdered me. Well that lasted for about two months (pretty impressive in my eyes) and then at one of the school basket ball games my sister found out. Kaitie, one of the few who knew about our secret, came running up to me and told me my sister was in the cafeteria yelling and freaking out about how her sister was a freaking lesbian and what not. Brianna (my sister) and I got into a huge fight and I ended up telling my dad and my step mom. Needless to say they were shocked beyond belief. My dad launched in to a lecture about how god would do stuff in my life and forgive me of my sin etc etc. They laid down a bunch of ne w rules for me and i was sitting there thinking 'how different is if i like a girl? Really hwo can you be so narrow minded?' well it turns out it wasn't just them.
The next day at school i had people giving my sideways looks and whispering behind my back. Later that day Kaitie told me that she had heard Ashtyn and Maria talking about how Moriah (my girlfriend) had tainted me and forced me to turn gay. I walked through the whole day with my head down and my hair covering my eyes because i was afraid what they would say and how they would look at me. I was ashamed of what I was.
Moriah had already dealt with al this before, so she was there to comfort me and to say that they would eventually get over it. They did, get over it tat is, but to this day i still here people whispering behid my back.
I hate how something that made me so happy, made people hate me and dispise me. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I despratly want to die, to let it all go and not have to deal with everything anymore. I have had notes stuck in my locker, I have had feet mysteriously trip me, I have heard the words 'faggot' and 'dyke' and the same sentence as my own name. Sometimes it gets to be to much. Moriah broke up with me about three months after I publicly came out, leaving me there to deal with everything myself. I can tell, it wasnt very easy to do. I found myself turning to people whom I never would have expected to turn to : Gabe an extremly tough looking guy who used to scare the shit out of me by me just looking at him but he is really the sweetest guy in the world, Becca someone I really didn't know that wel until the end of the year....people were popping up to support me as often as someone would pop up to hate me.
I do know what it's like to be hated for something that you can't help. I know what it's like to want to die. I know what it's like to want to get so drunk that you never have to think again. I know what it's like to have your heart broken by your first true love (for that is what she was to me even if it wasn't what I was to her) . I know what it's like to want to feel controlled pain, to get rid of the rest of it. I know what it's like to wonder if you died, would anyone besides you family show up? Would they evn care? But I also know that I have friends who love, care and cherish me and are always there when I need them. I guess thats a good thing that came out of all this.