My mother was always one to be very firm with 'girls are girls and they wear dresses' and 'boys are boys and they play sports' out look on the world, and this worked out perfectly with making my two elder sisters into perfect barbie doll look alikes. Due to this my mother and I always had a terrible relationship because I considered myself a 'tom boy' ever since I can remember because I thought of myself as more of a boy than a girl. This caused me to spend much more time with my father growing up playing sports, video games, and the sort of things my mother considered "boy stuff". Most of my childhood my mom left me well enough alone and to work with my own devices as long as my grades were perfect, which they were, at the time.

It wasn't until I was 12 and starting puberty as well as sixth grade that problems really started to arrise because like any other adolescent my body was changing. I hated it. I never liked my body no matter how I dressed, how much I weighed or, whether others thought I looked good or not. At this age though I decided it was just me being self conscious and ignored how much I hated my boobs, curved waist, ect. My grades began to fall though as did my mood and my self-esteem. All the self hatred was getting to me and I was very depressed. In addition to the ever raging conflict within my mind conflicts began to brew between myself and my mother. The fights were about anything from my grade, to the way I dressed or did my hair, she always said I needed to look more like a girl. I didn't want to. I never felt like my mother understood that I felt more comfortable in a pair of baggy jeans and a t-shirt.

Life went on though. Through out middle school I struggled to decide what my sexuality was. Around the time I was going into my freshmen year of high school I had come to the concrete decision  that I was definatly bisexual. I slowly started to come out to my closer friends until by the end of the year I was completely comfortable with it and the only people who did not know were my family. Though I was forced to tell them that summer because they were quite dead set on making me go to a church camp that I did not feel comfortable going to, due to the church's attitude towards bisexual, gay, and lesbians.

Things bewteen myself and my mother flared up monstrously after this. Before telling them, everything had quieted down mostly because I thought I had found myself. It was a temporary fix. Once the 'newness' of the decision wore off, after about three months after I was fully out, all my depression and self discomfort came crashing down on me.  I reasoned that maybe if I was the girly girl my mother wanted I might feel better so I jumped into the plan feet first. It too worked for a while and I even got a steady boyfriend, Travis, who I thought I loved. Long story short, he and I eventually had sex. I ended up with a pregnancy scare. 

I think this was the real moment when I realized what was making me feel so badly, though I didn't accept it, was that I was not supposed to be a girl. It was like it suddenly clicked in my mind and my brain was literally screaming at me that I should not be able to have a pregnancy scare because I should not have those body parts. 

He and I broke up shortly after this and I seldom dated after that because I feared having that happen again and have to feel the extreme discomfort I'd felt before.

I'm now less than a month from turning seventeen. The pregnancy scare was over a year ago. It wasn't until this August that I began to come to terms with the fact that I had the brain of a boy. I did not tell anybody about this until today. 

I told my very best friend since 3rd grade and she, thankfully, was completely relaxed and chill about it. She even offered to be there with me when I eventually decide to tell my parents. Though I don't see that happening until college. I just don't know what to do now that I've come to terms with this.

Any words of advice or general guidance?