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A few weeks ago I married my sweetheart in a beautiful outdoor civil ceremony. We’ve been together for years and have been talking about marriage for just as long: did we want to be married? Is it fair to enter into “opposite marriage” when same-sex couples in most states can’t? How do we throw a fun party while not getting sucked into the draining wedding industrial complex? What does marriage entail for couples’ finances? Family obligations? Names?Leading up to the ceremony, my honey and I spend lots of time sorting out future marriage matters, amongst which was a joint decision to each retain our own names. And while we had worked it out for ourselves, but the name issue continues to be, well, an issue. During what was otherwise a very happy time leading up to the ceremony, I found myself getting a little frustrated at the volume of lovely cards addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.” Why would getting married erase any trace of me being Meghan Rapp? Did I take an invisible pill when I said “I do”?
This hasn’t just come from our (conservative, traditional) family members. While most friends asked us before the nuptials what we intended to do—something I think is good in it acknowledges that, yes!, we have options!-- I’ve been a little surprised by progressive friends who asked post-ceremony, “So, what is your new last name?” Um, what? It's everywhere...My insurance representative did the same thing when I called to add my sweetie to my account. I responded, “It’s the same as my old last name.” This confused her greatly. She assumed that meant that his last name is also Rapp (what are the odds?) and that by changing it to his I was keeping it the same. Again, what??
Ultimately, I couldn’t visualize living life under a different moniker, and I know I made the right choice. Mr. AFY_Meghan recognized that he also didn’t want to change his name, and, as he explained to his parents, wouldn’t ask anyone to do something he wasn’t willing to do. Marriage has raised some very interesting questions about identity for me, especially when I think about it through a feminist lens. Both of us strongly identify with our surnames — is it fair to have one person’s sense of identity trump another person’s? I’ve had articles and other work published under Meghan Rapp – could I continue building a career on a different name? As a feminist, could I be happy becoming a “Mrs. Someone Else”? Why, as a woman, am I expected to be absorbed into a man’s identity? If we have children, why is the automatic assumption in our society that they will get his last name? He’s an only child, but I’m one of 4 daughters…don’t we both have a stake in “continuing our line”?
I’m curious about what others have decided to do in relation to marriage and naming, and why they made that choice (and I recognize that it is indeed a deeply personal decision). Have you ever thought about what you’d do with your name if you got married? Would you have a preference for your spouse?
Or, if you are married, how did you reach your decision about your name? If you made a non-traditional name choice, what did you say or do to let people know?
Or, if you are married, how did you reach your decision about your name? If you made a non-traditional name choice, what did you say or do to let people know?
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I used to think I would change my name, as I wasn't incredibly attached to my own last name, but nowadays I'm not sure...
Depending on who I marry and how I feel years from now I've considered many options from somehow convincing my fiance to take my mom's maiden name (I love her former last name so much and it would be awesome to continue on with it - even though it would confuse the hell out of everyone) as a sort of f-you to the patriarchal nature of passin on the namesake of the man, to just doing what you did and retaining my own last name.
All I know is I plan to retain my own sepearate identity, metaphorically and literally, even/if when I do decide to enter a union with someone else.
Great post!
If I ever have children, though, I have an interesting dilemma-- my parents decided to hyphenate my last name, so what last name will my children get? I know that once I get married I'll probably figure it out, but honestly it stresses me out. What if I marry someone else with a hyphenated last name? Will I have to give up one of my parents' last names to avoid giving my child a mouthfull of a name?
Oh dear...