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Rihanna has made some controversial artistic choices in the time since the nature of her relationship with Chris Brown became violently public. Her album Rated R was dark, explicit, and perceived by many as angry. Her single Russian Roulette seemed to condone suicidal behavior. But pairing with the notorious Eminem for a video that graphically depicts a violent relationship is the most challenging move yet for a star whose singles used to be sunny dance floor stuff.
“Love the Way You Lie” has been #1 on the billboard charts for three weeks and also won a 2010 Teen Choice Award for best rap/hip hop track. Its video depicts a violent relationship and a series of alcohol-fueled confrontations between the couple, as the lyrics describe escalating anger and physical abuse; Eminem describes the addiction to the cycle of rage, violence and making up as Rihanna sings sadly “I like the way it hurts.” The song ends with Eminem saying that the violence will continue or even worsen: "If she ever tries to leave again I’ll tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."
Many can’t get past the fact that the song is by Eminem, known for violent and homophobic lyrics. Eminem is also known for his brutal honesty, some might even say oversharing, and on his new album Recovery he addresses his dark past and his attempts to move forward. Still, you can hardly blame those who aren’t ready to forgive a guy who has threatened in song to murder his ex-wife AND his mother - why is THIS threat to murder a woman somehow different? (And threats to murder loved ones are really the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Eminem lyrics.)
There’s also the fact that Rihanna and Eminem are both uniquely positioned to comment publicly on this issue and make a lot of money from the controversy, and I gave some thought to that aspect – is it truly an artistic vision or just a cynical attempt to get publicity. But the song and the video both feel honest to me – it doesn’t ring false.
But Rihanna’s presence on the song and video, and its depiction of the troubled relationship, have mostly led to questions about its value and message. Can it be used as a teaching tool? Does it romanticize emotional and physical abuse? Is it a force for good, or evil?
Although Rihanna has said that she views it as exposing the “cycle of domestic violence,” Terry O’Neill of the National Organization for Women told the AP:
…Rihanna is trying to make a contribution to fighting domestic violence -- it's just that in this song, she's unwittingly glorifying it.Of course one eternal question is, do Rihanna or Eminem have an obligation to “judge” the story? What responsibility do artists have to moral or ethical messages in their work, if any? People will go on debating this ad nauseam, I am sure.
"She's narrating the story, and she's not judging it," O'Neill says. "And so she may not intend to be glorifying it, but she is."
But even beyond that, is O’Neill correct that Rihanna needs to clarify the video by condemning the violence portrayed in it – or is the intent clear?
We (myself and other Advocates staff) asked people of various ages and backgrounds to weigh in on the video.
Some shared O’Neill’s point of view, saying that if the video showed the woman successfully leaving the man at the end, it would have been more clear what the intention is, or that “a domestic violence hotline number at the end would have made me feel a little bit better.”
Others didn’t see the lack of judgment as a problem:
I think the message of the song is that abuse is a vicious cycle that can never be ended unless they leave them for good, which is hard for them to do, either out if fear, or because they still love the abuser, despite the fact that they hurt them. Alex, 15
The “message” is not one way or the other. Like the ambiguous and torn title, they are not outright for or against abuse. That really isn’t the aim of the song, in fact, their objective beliefs on what’s right are not even touched upon. Instead, Rihanna and Eminem express the mixed, paradoxical emotions that occur in a tumultuous and possibly physically abusive relationship. – Allison, 18One person commented that if nothing else the video (and perhaps the now sober Eminem) comments on the role of excessive alcohol use – liquor bottles are prominently and unsubtly placed throughout the video, as if to scream, “LOOK, DRINKING TOO MUCH IS A BIG PART OF THE PROBLEM HERE.” I personally don’t find the lack of a public service announcement problematic. I’m not getting the message “This relationship is totally awesome” from the drama, hitting and violence. I’m getting “This relationship is seriously messed up and not awesome for either person.” I’m getting “They both need help.” I think that that is made abundantly clear. And as far as my own force for evil/force for good question, I don’t really have an answer – I think it’s some of both. So what do you think? Are young people in abusive relationships likely to look at the video and find that it affirms dysfunctional and dangerous relationship dynamics? Does it matter that the performers are Rihanna and Eminem, or that the video is so compelling? What’s your takeaway?
Watch the video:
Perhaps by narrating this all to common story, the artists leave it up to the listener to decide whether this is a relationship worth having or not. Art is rarely a public service announcement-the public service it provides is getting people to think about things for themselves, and to expose the dark or negative parts of life, society, relationships, etc.
I love this song. I love the video. I think it's absolutely, positively brilliant.
Abusive relationships aren't just abusive. Sometimes people are happy. Sometimes they have hot sex. Sometimes gifts are exchanged and change is promised and words are believed. And many, many times people being abused love the person abusing them. Not because of the abuse- because of the other things. Maybe the abuse started later in the relationship, maybe they grew up in an abusive household and think it's okay- whatever the reason is- abused men and woman can love their abuser. And is it hard to leave someone you love? Absolutely.
The big I see with this song is that people don't look beyond what it appears to be. After listening to the song over and over, after reading the lyrics, after watching the video, I believe it's about the gray areas in the abusive relationship. It's about a woman who loves a man and wants to believe it when he lies to her. She wants so badly to believe there won't be a next time.
Most importantly is the very first line Eminem sings and the line everyone seems to ignore.
"I can't tell you what it is, I can only tell you what it feels like."
The song is from the abuser's point of view. And abusers... they blame the victim. They lie. They are convincing and compelling and they can make the abused forgive them.
And the real point is- this is a piece of art. Not a PSA. This is the story that Eminem and Rihanna wanted- maybe needed- to share. It's not the story we wanted them to share. Does that make it wrong? Not necessarily. It makes it deeper. It makes it more compelling. And, for me, it certainly makes it more real. This is a song about what human experience actually is- not what it should be.
That said, I don't believe this song glorifies DV. I think it shows how convincing and confusing the arguments of the abuser can be and that an abused woman not leaving- it's about so much more than her just being weak.
Not, 'I love you', but 'the way you lie'.
She's saying she likes the abuse.
Now that is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen.
And good ol' Em almost makes a jump for redemption, but ends with saying he is going to burn the house down with her inside?
Once more, that's fucked up.
Yes, it may just be a song about the cycle of abuse, but I feel they glorify it. Especially with the lines:
"You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
...
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em"
That brings the listener in, as they say 'Yes, I know that feeling too well'. They normalize this behavior! They are normalizing DV! They make it look almost normal, as if this is happening everywhere so it's obviously not that big of a problem, instead of slamming home that this is fucking bullshit!
This, at the same time as Twilight, which glorifies stalking, abuse, male control and housewifery.
I don't believe they did this for attention, I don't believe they did this to send a message out warning against, or providing cathartic release for, victims or even abusers.
To me, I don't think they even asked themselves "Why are we singing this?" I don't believe they evaluated the messages they are sending. Rihanna says she's "exposing the cycles of DV", but shining a flashlight on something, making it look sexy and not condemning it for what DV is is not 'exposing' anything.
To me: this song is sick.
The piece you quote above with Eminem's expression of "love" for Rihanna is, by my judgment of what I saw in the video, not love. Obsession, possessiveness. Anger at one's self and a pathetic chase for redemption by having the victim forgive you - or, even, just a possessive object-subject relationship: he knows he lies to her, is fully aware that he will abuse her again, but absolutely refuses to let her leave.
Also, what was said in one of the comments was true - this is the abuser's perspective, and it does involve blaming of the victim - "your temper's just as bad as mine", "we're the same", and yet we see only him apologizing to her (with a teddy bear and a flower; please don't even go there).
And Rihanna's only lines, as you pointed out: "I love the way it hurts", and "I love the way you lie". No level of self-reflection there. She, the victim, who shares the song, and is being accused of being a co-abuser, is given two lines.
Further objectification and trivialization of the abused and her feelings, her logic? Yes. What is her logic? Rihanna and the other actress never show anything that could be described acting-wise beyond vague. And passive.
What did the artists intend HER logic to be, not just his logic on her actions? We don't know. They didn't go into that. So, this is a song clearly for abusers, not the abused.
However, I don't think the video provides any redemptive challenge to an abuser, either.
But: written by a sick society, for a sick society. With this in mind, do our judgments change? How much better would we have felt if there'd been a Domestic Violence Hotline listed at the end?
Rihanna doesn't say she likes the abuse - she says she loves it.
The artists are unaware, and their characters are confused. The situation is confused. But, because of the artist's obliviousness - or lack of deep analysis - what's presented is pictures of "passionate feelings", anger mixed with sex mixed with resentment mixed with possessiveness, powerlessness and blind attachment.
How difficult it is to take Eminem's self-avowed biased, possibly loosely autobiographical take on abuse (as a commenter points out, the first line of the song is "I can't tell you what it is, I can only tell you what it feels like") as a subjective artistic expression. I struggle with the question of whether or not this is irresponsible. Eminem is sick - that's not news. I don't know why Rihanna couldn't see through this, though. The female is given TWO LINES, and they're both unelaborative and unempowering.
1. What message does a person in an abusive relationship gets from the song? Will it give people strength to cope with challenges or make a change in their lives?
2. What about someone who is not directly affected by domestic violence? Will this person be more aware of the issue because of the song?
3. Finally, are these two major recording artists/celebrities using their influence to make a positive difference?
One band that addresses all these questions is the Celtic-rock band Apsylon. They've not only written a song that addresses the seriousness of domestic violence, but they also put their money where their mouth is. They are not a major recording artist, but an independent group that donates part of their album sales to two organizations that deal with domestic violence and teen dating abuse. I wish we would hear more about artists like Apsylon (www.apsylon.com) who truly are trying to make a positive difference.
Anyway, that's just my two cents; thanks for reading.
Furthermore, the idea that this video "glorifies" DV is--to me--is little absurd. In nearly half the shots, the actors are shown either screaming, slapping each other, or looking otherwise distraught (not to mention Megan Fox's character is sporting a pretty grotesque-looking black eye toward the end of the video). There is nothing desirable or glorified about that. The fact that neither person leaves the relationship at the end of the video isn't a justification--it's reality. In so many instances of DV, the victim doesn't leave, he/she doesn't call a DV hotline, and he/she does continue on in the destructive cycle of abuse. This video is merely a portrayal of this fact.
And speaking of victims, this video also calls attention to a very important point: women can be abusers just as men can be abusers. In this video, both characters are shown physically striking one another, thus working to erode this notion that all DV falls into a specific, stereotypical pattern.
Overall, I think this video and song are groundbreaking: not because they dictate to the viewer how he/she should live his/her life, but because they make you think. JMO